Great Expectations

This time in a week, I'll be packing to go home.

And then it will be goodbye to 2014. And to be honest? Good riddance.

The first 6 months of the year saw me complete a DELTA course and I should have been celebrating that all year. It's a massive achievement for me and I was excited to see what new opportunities having it would take me.

But the latter half of this year? The last 6 months have just been....I don't even know how to describe them...

...HARD.

An emotional rollercoaster.

A realisation of the massive changes I need to make next year.

It's only been over the last couple of months that I've come to terms with the fact that I'm just not as happy as I could be. And it's only since events over the last 3 weeks have unfolded and since talking to close friends, that I've come to the realisation of just how deep that unhappiness runs.

It was a shock to be honest. I'm not talking about any one particular thing - I'm talking generally. Until I was talking to friends about life, love, health, careers, travel, EVERYTHING, I didn't realise how much dissatisfaction had built up inside me. I will not ever have another year without travelling -  imagine someone told you you couldn't do the one thing you love the most. Imagine how you would feel. I see other people's holiday pictures on FB and I find myself green with envy! Ridiculous. I didn't realise how much I was YEARNING for big belly laughs, smiles, travel, excitement and general HAPPINESS.

This concept...this realisation...has actually been really difficult for me to deal with and understand. I was forced to step back and recognise the causes...and as things started to get clearer, I've made the decision to start making changes. Why bother to wait until the new year? I'm starting my new year's resolutions. Today.

It's a simple resolution, under which is a whole load of sub-resolutions. What do I want for 2015? One word. 

HAPPINESS.

I'm choosing happiness over money. I'm choosing happiness over fear. I want to be happy. I want to do the things that make me happy instead of doing what people or society expect me to. I want to share the things that make me happy with people who are important to me.

I want to look in the mirror and be happy with what is staring back at me. I want my confidence back and I want to take back the power of how I view myself, instead of how others view me.

I want to stop expecting so much of other people - to try accepting more. I don't even just want this - I need this. That way, I don't have to deal with this constant feeling of disappointment. At the same time, I want to be accepted as I am; to bring out the best in other people so that they want to better themselves in order to exceed my expectations. Not because I want them to, but because they WANT to do that for me.

I want to surround myself with positive and inspiring people. We are all fighting some kind of battle. I know that I could learn from others' positivity, even in dark times, in order to help me get through my own.

I used to be a super positive person. I want that back. I want to stop focussing so hard on the negative and channel that energy into trying to find the positive - even in shitty situations.

I saw this on the internet yesterday:

"Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it".

Youch - how true does that ring?? It's hard because that place you lost your happiness can also be the place that you want it most. Can be anything - family, work, relationships, habits, health. Anything.

Something I'll still be taking into the new year is to not give up on something until I've done everything I possibly can to make it work. That applies to everything. And whilst it may cause me a lot of ballache (LOL - if i had any!), at least I won't regret anything in the same way I would if I was one of those people who just thought f*** it and walked away from a situation the second it gets tough. I'll get to walk away knowing there's nothing else I could've done. Even if it turns out that it wasn't worth the effort, that's just the type of person I am.

Time to get some of my old sparkle back. I didn't realise how much I've changed until close friends pointed it out.

One of the most important things I'm taking with me into next year is something one of my close girlfriends said. Not her exact words, but the message was basically along the lines of the fact that just because things in my life aren't going well, and just because I might be feeling like complete and utter shit, it doesn't mean that I have to be mean to other people. And it certainly doesn't give me the right to be a bitch to other people. She told me that even when her world came crashing down, she made an effort to be nice to the people around her.

She's completely right. It's not other people's fault events are unfolding as they are in my life. Commence the feelings of guilt.

Off the bat, I can already think of several instances where I've taken this out on other people. How unfair and selfish of me.

I'm sorry.

I'm taking back control.

My happiness is no one else's responsibility except my own.

Here's to a much happier 2015!

xoxo