Putting It On Paper

Have you ever just taken a blank note and written down how you feel?

Have you ever just sat there and written down what you WANT? What you want from your career, what you want from loved ones, what you want to make yourself happy?

Someone suggested that I do that today. So I opened my email, addressed it to myself and just let everything out on paper.

Oh. My. God.

I feel like a mammoth burden has been lifted. 

I've been sitting here for months wishing I could go on holiday, wishing that I could motivate myself more to get the body I want, all these things along with thinking about careers and relationships....I wrote down how I felt and what I wanted.

It's there in black and white and I feel good.

Why?

Because now I can get off my arse and do something about it.

Because now I know that I have revealed my feelings and there's nothing more that I can do. You can never ask more than honesty.

It feels good. 

Now the reality of what it all means is making me nervous! 

xoxo

Craft Beer Tour

OK, so a few days ago I was introduced to a Craft Beer app.

My boyfriend is obsessed with beer. And when his friend told him about this app and then he told me about it, you should have seen his eyes light up. It was like all his birthdays and Christmases had come at once.

So, basically this app either lets you search craft beer places by area, or lets you know the craft beer places that are around you. All you do is click on one of the beer glasses on the map and all the info comes up. The level of detail regarding the information on each place varies, depending on how many people have decided to log in using the app.

Today we're  on a craft beer tour. I'm not a massive beer drinker, especially not of IPAs, but a lager never does anyone any harm! First stop:

Popeye in Ryogoku.

This is one of the most popular craft beer joints in Tokyo with a whopping 74 beers on tap. At this point, it's so difficult to try all of them just because it's pretty far from where we live. It has a really nice atmosphere and great service. There are a LOT of chairs in here, meaning that you are often sharing elbow space with other people at the bar, but that doesn't take away from an epic selection of beer. Obviously, I'm not the one calling it epic. I haven't got a clue! LOL! But it's a nice vibe, and the best thing about this place? It's NON-SMOKING!!!! やった！A very rare thing in Tokyo bars these days.

Next up, Devilcraft Nihonbashi.

A really small joint, which was nice, but the music was not loud enough to not make you feel self conscious about everyone listening in to your conversation. The bar staff were really friendly.....but it kind of got boring quickly. They had a good selection of beers, but considering that Popeye had 74 on top and this place only had 15, it was a noticeable difference.

Then onto Devilcraft Hamamatsucho.

This is the biggest place so far. It feels much more Western with a larger foreign clientele and menu. Massive points for having pumpkin pie on the dessert menu!!! The pizza is insane - crazy deep pan where two slices feels like you've eaten the equivalent of a large Domino's pizza yourself. Even with 30 beers on tap, it seems that this place is way more famous (and popular) for pizza than beer. Not only that, the pizza I had was hands down the best topping I've ever had in my life! Shame I can't remember the name of it though - lol!

Definitely a different way for me to spend a Saturday!

As per my usual way, on a completely different note, have you been watching the newest season of Homeland?! And Grey's Anatomy? And OMG Scandal?! Someone has GOTto kill Rowan - seriously! The manipulative ability of that man is just beyond any other character I've seen on TV! (OK, well I know there are many others, but right now, how FAR is this man going to save his own arse?!

Unbelievable!

xoxo

Still Blue

This time I'm referring to my driving license, not my mood. 

I'm not even sure what colour "completely and utterly fed up" would be....any ideas?

Anyway, I finally got off my arse and went to the Samezu driving centre to "renew" my license today. It actually expired in July, but when I asked the guy which form I should fill in, he didn't hesitate in giving me the renewal form. 

So I paid, had my eye test, and then when I went to the next counter, they told me I had the wrong form and that I needed to go to this other place to get a Certificate of Residence, come back, and start all over again.

I wasn't having it. I told them I'd go "around the corner" (which actually turned out to be a 20 minute walk), but when I came back, I wasn't going to start again and jump straight to the front of the queue. I was actually shocked that when I came back, I didn't have to queue for anything. Much to the displeasure of all the other people there, when the guy that was dealing with me before saw me come back, he literally stopped helping the person at the counter and came to help me instead. 

I was really excited about getting my gold license. I don't know why....and then they told me I wasn't allowed one. Not only because I'd let the license expire, but because I still had valid speeding points on it from three years ago....meaning that I had to sit through a 2 hour lecture (as opposed to just one) on safety awareness and the punishments for violating Japanese laws. I remembered it from the last time I went to renew my license...I did the "What kind of driver are you?" quiz again, and it wasn't surprising to find out I have road rage...again! LOL! Oh well....at least I can legally drive here again now. Lesson learnt - renew it when you're supposed to next time!!!!

Now onto my mood that I can't give a colour to.

You know when you hit that point where you will just not accept things the way they are? Yah, I'm there. I've literally had it up to HERE with a current situation and a current attitude. And no, I'm not saying that I'm free of responsibility from a certain situation that's going on now, but I'm at a point where something has GOT to change, because I literally can't stand what's happening right now.

When people don't LISTEN to what others are saying, how the hell can anything be resolved? How is it possible to make life changing decisions about the future if you can't even sort out the crap that is going on right now?! It's like we think that if we think about the future, then it can take away from having to deal with more immediate and urgent issues.

Urgh.

We all need to learn to talk more. And listen. And be open. Because when things fester, the day that they explode is the day when people say things.....and even though they may be said in the heat of the moment, there's still some truth to it. Somewhere  in there. And that's what's most concerning. 

I'm not putting up with it anymore.

Nope.

I've had enough.

P.S. YES I know that I used "wondering" instead of "wandering" in my last post. I got lazyitus and couldn't be bothered to change it. And now I wish I had considering how many people have messaged me about it! LOL! 

xoxo

Autumn Blues

I swear we don't even get autumn here - it jumps straight from summer to winter.

I'm serious - it's effing COLD in Tokyo now! And what's crazy is that when I'm out and about, I'm still seeing people wondering around in shorts and T-shirts. I don't know how they do it! Since I haven't been on holiday this year, I'm absolutely PINING for summer and for the beach. I'm honestly so miserable without my holidays. I know, I know, first world probelms, I spent too many years spoiling myself with 7 trips a year. 

I'd like to thank everyone who has shown me their wonderful support over the last couple of weeks. I'm feeling a little better, but there are still a million and one things that need to be sorted out. It's hard, but having heard what some people have to say, I am feeling more positive. Even hearing the negative things people have said, I've taken everything onboard and am moving forward with their advice in mind.

The day that my life will just calm down and move along smoothly can't come soon enough. Thing is, I'm not even sure that day is anywhere in sight, which is the most frustrating thing. 

Uncertainty.

It doesn't fit well with my character. It does when I'm travelling - I'm perfectly happy to kick back and just see what happens - but when it comes to life changing decisions, it's not easy for me to just "wait and see". Especially when that "wait and see" gives you like minimal time to mentally and physically prepare yourself for change. For some people, it's a good thing because they don't dwell on that decision so much - they don't have time to think about getting nervous, or what that decision might actually mean...because they don't have time to. Before they've even had time to process what's happening, they're already making the change.

I'm all for spontanaeity, but there are some situations where you really need to take the time to think about what that change will mean - espeically when you've been in that situation for a long time. I love the idea of change - I never would have been able to just up and leave and live in different countries if I was scared of it, but the thing is when you're under pressure, it's much harder to know if you are making the right decisions. 

And I am feeling a little pressured now. I like talking things through, but that can be difficult when the person you need to be talking to finds it hard to relate to how you feel. People are weird - it's funny how we understand different things about each other. It's weird how no mater how much you try to explain, some people just don't get it. It's funny how someone can try and explain something to you, and you just don't get it either. It works both ways - there are some things we just can't understand about others.

But you can't change the way people are. You can only ask them to try and understand what you are feeling. And that can be challenging for everyone involved.

People say that time can heal any situation, but what happens if you don't have the time required? 

I don't think I'm scared of the wrong decision. I'll just go by my usual philosophy of if it effs up, I'll just remove myself from the situation. Regret is a far worse feeling than taking a risk and having it fail. It doesn't mean that I don't need the time to talk it through properly.

On a completely random and different note....

.....I just found out my parents got a dog! It feels weird because we were never allowed one growing up and now they suddenly have one all these years later! LOL!

I'll leave you with that random change of topic!

xoxo

Thanks Ladies

Goodness me. Today has been....HARD.

I can't even explain how I felt when I woke up. After a terrible night's sleep, awful dreams, I woke up early with this feeling of....I don't even know what in my stomach. It was like this intense pain and I just felt sick to my stomach. Literally. 

As soon as I rolled over, I had to jump up and run to the bathroom. I think I spent the best part of an hour with my head down the toilet. 

Why?

I'm not even sure.

Illness? The unbearable, intense pain of heartache? No idea. Whatever it was, it rendered me useless for the whole day. I'm off to the doctor early tomorrow morning....as long as there isn't a repeat of this morning.

I've literally spent the whole day thinking. About everything. My mind hurts and one minute I'm ok, and then the next I find myself bursting into uncontrollable sobs. I've picked up the phone so many times to send a message and then put it down again. I've picked it up and nearly dialled a number so many times. And then put it down again. I've started writing an email so many times...only to delete the whole thing. I told you that I'm one of those people who are impatient to get answers, to sort stuff out - the ending being what it will. But this time, I know that waiting is best because it gives me a chance to figure things out on my end.

I talked to a few people and have finally revealed what's going on. Just because you don't talk to someone every day, or even every month or few months, it doesn't make them less of a friend. Funny thing is, when I've told people what's happened, the response has essentially been the same....just worded differently. From a blunt, direct comment, to the easy "you know what you need to do". I know what I need to do, but the stubborn part of me wants to try. No matter what happens, the support I received meant so much and after I spoke to one particular person, I felt so much better.....until I heard a song that just triggered everything off again. People say that you should always sit down and make a pros and cons list when you need to make a decision. I did that today....and the results were not surprising in the least. It doesn't matter than I KNOW what the right thing to do is....it's just so HARD to actually do it. And heartbreaking. And the fear of the pain that comes with making that kind of decision is daunting.

I've also spent a lot of time thinking about the future. I talked to my girl who left Japan and I came to realise that my roots here ARE weakening year by year as more and more of my friends leave, and the ones that have stuck around are settled in long term relationships. It's made me wonder if I should head out. And I'm not gonna lie, I was having a conversation on Saturday night, and the idea of upping and going somewhere completely different and experiencing something completely new is exciting. It's a thought that's creeping into my head more frequently now, and when I do think about it, I smile and there's a feeling of exhilaration in my chest. 

I miss travelling more than I can even express. Being tied down as I have been this year has actually been awful and I'm also having a tough debate where I'm wondering if I should make a change that will let me do the things I love. Or do I do the thing I want to and give up everything else I love doing? Because the latter is what I've done this year, and whilst I have enjoyed it, slowly I've become unhappier as I realise how much it consumes my life and stops me from doing all the other things that are important to me. That sounds like I've answered my own question, but again, it's easier said that done when you think about financial repercussions.

These are things I wanna talk about with a certain person...but the frustrating thing is, there are some people that you just can't bounce ideas off. Whether they just don't want to listen, or they don't care, I don't know, but it just sucks because it's that person you want to talk to. 

I've got some great people all over the world who have been there for me today and listened. I barely even see my flat mate - maybe once a month - but she has been amazing the last couple of days. I'm not joking - she literally has been force feeding me! Lol! Doesn't matter that I haven't been able to keep it all down...in her eyes it's better than trying to throw up nothing. Bless her. Although I spend the majority of today and yesterday alone, I appreciate the time she spends trying to cheer me up when she comes home late.

I appreciate the ladies who have called, or messaged, and listened and offered support. It means a lot.

Thanks ladies.

xoxo

Welcome Back!

Yes, I am very aware at how much I've sucked at updating my blog this year. 

And even if I wasn't, I've had many people remind me on several occasions! Lol! In fact, I find it a little amusing that people are even interested in hearing me drone on about stuff going on in my life. 

But I hope you're ready for this one....because it's long....

The last three months have been ridiculously difficult. I don't know where to begin and I'm not sure how much information I want to divulge. The heartache I have endured and the extent to which my confidence has been absolutely shattered surprises even me....to a point where I don't even feel like the same person anymore.

Yep, it's deep.

This year was supposed to be a big one for me. I finished my DELTA and after a 2 month wait for the results, got stunned by achieving higher scores than I ever had imagined when I started out. The pride and relief that I felt...that feeling I can't even describe. I still can't believe I did it.

But during what should have been mammoth celebrations, came a sense of betrayal that I have never experienced in my life. Naturally you're going to assume I'm talking about a guy...and although some of it may refer to a guy, some of it also refers to so called friends.

I can't go into the details because it's too painful. I just don't understand at what point people stopped caring about loyalty. You find something out...and yah that person is sorry....but at the end of the day, once trust is destroyed, how are you supposed to get it back? It's a battle I've been fighting for the last couple of months and it has been long, and it's been hard, and it's been painful.

When you talk to friends about betrayal, you'll always hear the same thing. 

"Cut that person out of your life"

"You'll never get the trust back"

"That person will do it again"

"You deserve so much better"

But when you are not completely innocent of everything as well, you HAVE to cut a little bit of slack in there. Otherwise that makes you a complete hypocrite. There can be second chances and it takes effort and hard work to move forward.

Everyone involved has to make that effort. Those who have done wrong (including me) have to accept responsibility and understand that people are going to be suspicious. People are going to be upset. People aren't going to believe you when you say you didn't do something (and you actually didn't). This is what's hard to fix. This is what causes damage moving forward. Thing is, how the hell do you get past it?

I don't really want to go into this, and I'm not blameless, but I know some people are worried. I'm sorry for making you worry about me. I can't even begin to tell you how I feel. 
This pain....I have never had such low confidence in my life....and mixed with some other stuff....I don't think I've ever felt this bad before and it's harder when you have to deal with it alone because the people that say they will help you heal, are suspicious and impatient and get mad. I'm trying not to get mad when I get accused of doing something I haven't, but it does hurt. And I know it hurts when I do the same thing to others.

Feelings are a bitch sometimes. You wish you could just switch them off and walk away, but you can't. It's so easy to tell someone to walk away, to tell someone they deserve better, but when you want a person in your life, I believe that you should try everything before you give up. If you don't want to lose that person, for me, I wanna make sure that I'm walking away knowing that I've tried everything in my power to make it work.

And on reflection, I don't believe that I have. I know I can try harder....other people know they can try harder....but do I want them to? Does that other person want me to? Have I had enough? Has that other person had enough?

People who know me know I don't just sit on shit. I've tried it before and it just eats away at you. I want everything to get sorted out, but some people just don't want to talk about it. Some people prefer to just walk away. I'm all for giving people time to think, but initially, if you give someone too much time, that can be more damaging because you start to realise yourself that it might not be worth it. I believe in hashing it out, and THEN taking the time to work out the next step. You can't decide what you wanna do before you've talked. 

The thing is about talking, is how much of what you hear is the truth? But then again, if you decide that you want to keep that person in your life, the first step is being willing to let go. You need to forgive...and eventually let go. Not forget, but let go. That's the hard part and that's where building trust up is a bitch.

Has anyone else managed to move past betrayal and successfully build trust up again? Tips and advice very welcome!!!!

All I want is to be able to trust and believe someone...I don't like feeling suspicious. I hate wondering if it's going to happen again....does that ever go away?

Again, you're gonna assume this is all about a guy. But it isn't. Not all of it. I have never been so disappointed in someone before. And like I said, I'm not blameless. I did something wrong too. Naturally I have disclosed the details, so I know what you're all going to assume reading this. But it isn't that straightforward - I promise! Lol!

So what else has been going on?

Uffffff.....I hit my 7 year Japanniversary. How do I feel about that? A bit freaked out.the events of the last few months have made me think about my age and the future and I'm seriously wondering how much longer I should stay here. I'm thinking about careers, I'm thinking about settling down....I was thinking earlier this year that I wanted to stay til after the Olympics and then that would be it. And then a certain relationship that I though would never go anywhere developed into something more than I could ever have imagined. And then my world got turned upside down.

Leaving, staying, leaving, staying, maybe leaving, where am I going? I don't know. I feel like now is the time to try and catch up with friends and try and surround myself with people instead of being stubborn  and trying to deal with everything alone. Sad thing is, the one person I wish I could lean on the most isn't even here. (Ｔ＿Ｔ)

Grrrrrrr.....think that's about all I want to reveal today! Depressing, isn't it?

xoxo