Thanks Ladies

Goodness me. Today has been....HARD.

I can't even explain how I felt when I woke up. After a terrible night's sleep, awful dreams, I woke up early with this feeling of....I don't even know what in my stomach. It was like this intense pain and I just felt sick to my stomach. Literally. 

As soon as I rolled over, I had to jump up and run to the bathroom. I think I spent the best part of an hour with my head down the toilet. 

Why?

I'm not even sure.

Illness? The unbearable, intense pain of heartache? No idea. Whatever it was, it rendered me useless for the whole day. I'm off to the doctor early tomorrow morning....as long as there isn't a repeat of this morning.

I've literally spent the whole day thinking. About everything. My mind hurts and one minute I'm ok, and then the next I find myself bursting into uncontrollable sobs. I've picked up the phone so many times to send a message and then put it down again. I've picked it up and nearly dialled a number so many times. And then put it down again. I've started writing an email so many times...only to delete the whole thing. I told you that I'm one of those people who are impatient to get answers, to sort stuff out - the ending being what it will. But this time, I know that waiting is best because it gives me a chance to figure things out on my end.

I talked to a few people and have finally revealed what's going on. Just because you don't talk to someone every day, or even every month or few months, it doesn't make them less of a friend. Funny thing is, when I've told people what's happened, the response has essentially been the same....just worded differently. From a blunt, direct comment, to the easy "you know what you need to do". I know what I need to do, but the stubborn part of me wants to try. No matter what happens, the support I received meant so much and after I spoke to one particular person, I felt so much better.....until I heard a song that just triggered everything off again. People say that you should always sit down and make a pros and cons list when you need to make a decision. I did that today....and the results were not surprising in the least. It doesn't matter than I KNOW what the right thing to do is....it's just so HARD to actually do it. And heartbreaking. And the fear of the pain that comes with making that kind of decision is daunting.

I've also spent a lot of time thinking about the future. I talked to my girl who left Japan and I came to realise that my roots here ARE weakening year by year as more and more of my friends leave, and the ones that have stuck around are settled in long term relationships. It's made me wonder if I should head out. And I'm not gonna lie, I was having a conversation on Saturday night, and the idea of upping and going somewhere completely different and experiencing something completely new is exciting. It's a thought that's creeping into my head more frequently now, and when I do think about it, I smile and there's a feeling of exhilaration in my chest. 

I miss travelling more than I can even express. Being tied down as I have been this year has actually been awful and I'm also having a tough debate where I'm wondering if I should make a change that will let me do the things I love. Or do I do the thing I want to and give up everything else I love doing? Because the latter is what I've done this year, and whilst I have enjoyed it, slowly I've become unhappier as I realise how much it consumes my life and stops me from doing all the other things that are important to me. That sounds like I've answered my own question, but again, it's easier said that done when you think about financial repercussions.

These are things I wanna talk about with a certain person...but the frustrating thing is, there are some people that you just can't bounce ideas off. Whether they just don't want to listen, or they don't care, I don't know, but it just sucks because it's that person you want to talk to. 

I've got some great people all over the world who have been there for me today and listened. I barely even see my flat mate - maybe once a month - but she has been amazing the last couple of days. I'm not joking - she literally has been force feeding me! Lol! Doesn't matter that I haven't been able to keep it all down...in her eyes it's better than trying to throw up nothing. Bless her. Although I spend the majority of today and yesterday alone, I appreciate the time she spends trying to cheer me up when she comes home late.

I appreciate the ladies who have called, or messaged, and listened and offered support. It means a lot.

Thanks ladies.

xoxo