Welcome Back!

Yes, I am very aware at how much I've sucked at updating my blog this year. 

And even if I wasn't, I've had many people remind me on several occasions! Lol! In fact, I find it a little amusing that people are even interested in hearing me drone on about stuff going on in my life. 

But I hope you're ready for this one....because it's long....

The last three months have been ridiculously difficult. I don't know where to begin and I'm not sure how much information I want to divulge. The heartache I have endured and the extent to which my confidence has been absolutely shattered surprises even me....to a point where I don't even feel like the same person anymore.

Yep, it's deep.

This year was supposed to be a big one for me. I finished my DELTA and after a 2 month wait for the results, got stunned by achieving higher scores than I ever had imagined when I started out. The pride and relief that I felt...that feeling I can't even describe. I still can't believe I did it.

But during what should have been mammoth celebrations, came a sense of betrayal that I have never experienced in my life. Naturally you're going to assume I'm talking about a guy...and although some of it may refer to a guy, some of it also refers to so called friends.

I can't go into the details because it's too painful. I just don't understand at what point people stopped caring about loyalty. You find something out...and yah that person is sorry....but at the end of the day, once trust is destroyed, how are you supposed to get it back? It's a battle I've been fighting for the last couple of months and it has been long, and it's been hard, and it's been painful.

When you talk to friends about betrayal, you'll always hear the same thing. 

"Cut that person out of your life"

"You'll never get the trust back"

"That person will do it again"

"You deserve so much better"

But when you are not completely innocent of everything as well, you HAVE to cut a little bit of slack in there. Otherwise that makes you a complete hypocrite. There can be second chances and it takes effort and hard work to move forward.

Everyone involved has to make that effort. Those who have done wrong (including me) have to accept responsibility and understand that people are going to be suspicious. People are going to be upset. People aren't going to believe you when you say you didn't do something (and you actually didn't). This is what's hard to fix. This is what causes damage moving forward. Thing is, how the hell do you get past it?

I don't really want to go into this, and I'm not blameless, but I know some people are worried. I'm sorry for making you worry about me. I can't even begin to tell you how I feel. 
This pain....I have never had such low confidence in my life....and mixed with some other stuff....I don't think I've ever felt this bad before and it's harder when you have to deal with it alone because the people that say they will help you heal, are suspicious and impatient and get mad. I'm trying not to get mad when I get accused of doing something I haven't, but it does hurt. And I know it hurts when I do the same thing to others.

Feelings are a bitch sometimes. You wish you could just switch them off and walk away, but you can't. It's so easy to tell someone to walk away, to tell someone they deserve better, but when you want a person in your life, I believe that you should try everything before you give up. If you don't want to lose that person, for me, I wanna make sure that I'm walking away knowing that I've tried everything in my power to make it work.

And on reflection, I don't believe that I have. I know I can try harder....other people know they can try harder....but do I want them to? Does that other person want me to? Have I had enough? Has that other person had enough?

People who know me know I don't just sit on shit. I've tried it before and it just eats away at you. I want everything to get sorted out, but some people just don't want to talk about it. Some people prefer to just walk away. I'm all for giving people time to think, but initially, if you give someone too much time, that can be more damaging because you start to realise yourself that it might not be worth it. I believe in hashing it out, and THEN taking the time to work out the next step. You can't decide what you wanna do before you've talked. 

The thing is about talking, is how much of what you hear is the truth? But then again, if you decide that you want to keep that person in your life, the first step is being willing to let go. You need to forgive...and eventually let go. Not forget, but let go. That's the hard part and that's where building trust up is a bitch.

Has anyone else managed to move past betrayal and successfully build trust up again? Tips and advice very welcome!!!!

All I want is to be able to trust and believe someone...I don't like feeling suspicious. I hate wondering if it's going to happen again....does that ever go away?

Again, you're gonna assume this is all about a guy. But it isn't. Not all of it. I have never been so disappointed in someone before. And like I said, I'm not blameless. I did something wrong too. Naturally I have disclosed the details, so I know what you're all going to assume reading this. But it isn't that straightforward - I promise! Lol!

So what else has been going on?

Uffffff.....I hit my 7 year Japanniversary. How do I feel about that? A bit freaked out.the events of the last few months have made me think about my age and the future and I'm seriously wondering how much longer I should stay here. I'm thinking about careers, I'm thinking about settling down....I was thinking earlier this year that I wanted to stay til after the Olympics and then that would be it. And then a certain relationship that I though would never go anywhere developed into something more than I could ever have imagined. And then my world got turned upside down.

Leaving, staying, leaving, staying, maybe leaving, where am I going? I don't know. I feel like now is the time to try and catch up with friends and try and surround myself with people instead of being stubborn  and trying to deal with everything alone. Sad thing is, the one person I wish I could lean on the most isn't even here. (Ｔ＿Ｔ)

Grrrrrrr.....think that's about all I want to reveal today! Depressing, isn't it?

xoxo