Pain, Pain, Pain

J**** f****** C*****.

I really don't know how much longer I can stay on this emotional rollercoaster.

I don't know if I can.

The pain that I've been feeling today has literally stopped me from doing any of the stuff that I needed to do. 

From the moment I woke up....man, I can't even describe the feeling that was in my stomach. I felt sick to the point where I just wanted to run home, crawl onto the covers and just shut myself away from the world for a day.

But I got up...and took that feeling with me out the house...on the bus....on the train...and it has been with me all day. I've been feeling so effing HORRIBLE that I've spent a huge part of the day fighting back the urge to just break down and crumple to the floor.

I was on the train and this lady came up to me, tapped me on the arm, and said:

お姉さん、大丈夫ですか。

I was confused why she was asking me. I told her I was fine, but she looked concerned.

泣いているんだけど。本当に大丈夫ですか。

Woah. I hadn't even realised I had tears running down my face. Embarrassed, I just smiled politely and turned to face the door and fix my make up.

Wow.

It made me realise just HOW awful I was feeling. I remember thinking at that point how difficult it was going to be to make it through the day feeling like this. Getting through the things I needed to do feeling this kind of pain. Feeling this heaviness and this hurt. 

I hate it. I hate the way this feels. The thing is, I know what could fix it. The problem is the thing that could fix is is very, very unlikely to happen. 

Yesterday I was thinking about all the small things that make a difference. And they made me smile. I was on Pinterest and I saw this:

"A good morning text is not just to say "good morning". It also says "I think about you when I wake up"".

That's right. It is those small things. When they happen, they can just put the biggest grin on your face.They are so important...but unfortunately they are so few and far between, and are all too often overshadowed by nonsense and the big effing things that are meaningless. I guess those small things aren't important to everybody.

And that's a shame. People aren't mind readers, but how much should we really have to tell someone to do? Shouldn't people WANT to do those small things? 

I guess there are some people that are just not programmed to think like that. Some people just aren't that kind of person. And we can sit there and wish for them to be, but the truth of the matter is that it's not going to happen. You can't change people, but it doesn't stop you from wishing that they would want to do some of those small wonderful things for you. That they would want to be just a little bit more like that....for you. Because they know it makes you happy.

*sigh*

I don't know how much fight I have left.

On a completely different note, I am soooooo upset at not going to a Thanksgiving dinner party today!!! I've been to one every year with friends from all over the world, but this year I was hoping that I'd get to go to a proper all American one. No such luck. I don't know why I feel so disappointed, but I do.

Probably just the tone that was set for me today! 

Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow!

xoxo