Welcome Back!

Yes, I am very aware at how much I've sucked at updating my blog this year. 

And even if I wasn't, I've had many people remind me on several occasions! Lol! In fact, I find it a little amusing that people are even interested in hearing me drone on about stuff going on in my life. 

But I hope you're ready for this one....because it's long....

The last three months have been ridiculously difficult. I don't know where to begin and I'm not sure how much information I want to divulge. The heartache I have endured and the extent to which my confidence has been absolutely shattered surprises even me....to a point where I don't even feel like the same person anymore.

Yep, it's deep.

This year was supposed to be a big one for me. I finished my DELTA and after a 2 month wait for the results, got stunned by achieving higher scores than I ever had imagined when I started out. The pride and relief that I felt...that feeling I can't even describe. I still can't believe I did it.

But during what should have been mammoth celebrations, came a sense of betrayal that I have never experienced in my life. Naturally you're going to assume I'm talking about a guy...and although some of it may refer to a guy, some of it also refers to so called friends.

I can't go into the details because it's too painful. I just don't understand at what point people stopped caring about loyalty. You find something out...and yah that person is sorry....but at the end of the day, once trust is destroyed, how are you supposed to get it back? It's a battle I've been fighting for the last couple of months and it has been long, and it's been hard, and it's been painful.

When you talk to friends about betrayal, you'll always hear the same thing. 

"Cut that person out of your life"

"You'll never get the trust back"

"That person will do it again"

"You deserve so much better"

But when you are not completely innocent of everything as well, you HAVE to cut a little bit of slack in there. Otherwise that makes you a complete hypocrite. There can be second chances and it takes effort and hard work to move forward.

Everyone involved has to make that effort. Those who have done wrong (including me) have to accept responsibility and understand that people are going to be suspicious. People are going to be upset. People aren't going to believe you when you say you didn't do something (and you actually didn't). This is what's hard to fix. This is what causes damage moving forward. Thing is, how the hell do you get past it?

I don't really want to go into this, and I'm not blameless, but I know some people are worried. I'm sorry for making you worry about me. I can't even begin to tell you how I feel. 
This pain....I have never had such low confidence in my life....and mixed with some other stuff....I don't think I've ever felt this bad before and it's harder when you have to deal with it alone because the people that say they will help you heal, are suspicious and impatient and get mad. I'm trying not to get mad when I get accused of doing something I haven't, but it does hurt. And I know it hurts when I do the same thing to others.

Feelings are a bitch sometimes. You wish you could just switch them off and walk away, but you can't. It's so easy to tell someone to walk away, to tell someone they deserve better, but when you want a person in your life, I believe that you should try everything before you give up. If you don't want to lose that person, for me, I wanna make sure that I'm walking away knowing that I've tried everything in my power to make it work.

And on reflection, I don't believe that I have. I know I can try harder....other people know they can try harder....but do I want them to? Does that other person want me to? Have I had enough? Has that other person had enough?

People who know me know I don't just sit on shit. I've tried it before and it just eats away at you. I want everything to get sorted out, but some people just don't want to talk about it. Some people prefer to just walk away. I'm all for giving people time to think, but initially, if you give someone too much time, that can be more damaging because you start to realise yourself that it might not be worth it. I believe in hashing it out, and THEN taking the time to work out the next step. You can't decide what you wanna do before you've talked. 

The thing is about talking, is how much of what you hear is the truth? But then again, if you decide that you want to keep that person in your life, the first step is being willing to let go. You need to forgive...and eventually let go. Not forget, but let go. That's the hard part and that's where building trust up is a bitch.

Has anyone else managed to move past betrayal and successfully build trust up again? Tips and advice very welcome!!!!

All I want is to be able to trust and believe someone...I don't like feeling suspicious. I hate wondering if it's going to happen again....does that ever go away?

Again, you're gonna assume this is all about a guy. But it isn't. Not all of it. I have never been so disappointed in someone before. And like I said, I'm not blameless. I did something wrong too. Naturally I have disclosed the details, so I know what you're all going to assume reading this. But it isn't that straightforward - I promise! Lol!

So what else has been going on?

Uffffff.....I hit my 7 year Japanniversary. How do I feel about that? A bit freaked out.the events of the last few months have made me think about my age and the future and I'm seriously wondering how much longer I should stay here. I'm thinking about careers, I'm thinking about settling down....I was thinking earlier this year that I wanted to stay til after the Olympics and then that would be it. And then a certain relationship that I though would never go anywhere developed into something more than I could ever have imagined. And then my world got turned upside down.

Leaving, staying, leaving, staying, maybe leaving, where am I going? I don't know. I feel like now is the time to try and catch up with friends and try and surround myself with people instead of being stubborn  and trying to deal with everything alone. Sad thing is, the one person I wish I could lean on the most isn't even here. (Ｔ＿Ｔ)

Grrrrrrr.....think that's about all I want to reveal today! Depressing, isn't it?

xoxo

It's Over!

What an intense, stressful 3 months.

When I got back from Thailand, I had to jump straight into 2 other modules and full time work. I was warned that it was going to be hard, but I don't think anything could've prepared me for how effing difficult and stressful and exhausting it was going to be!

I ended up studying for the Module 1 exam 10 hours the day before...and ended up working on my Module 3 on the shinkansen back to Tokyo. I have to seriously thank my tutors and one of my peers, because without them, I never would have been able to finish on time. I met some fantastic people on the course and hope our paths will cross again professionally in the future.

It has just been non-stop for the last 3 weeks. But FINALLY, I feel that things can start to slow down. Starting on Monday, I'm going to start taking care of everything that has been put on the bench for the last few months, including my fitness, the state of my house, bills and catching up with friends. It's just the sheer exhaustion that I'm feeling makes it so hard to get started on anything. Today is the first day where I haven't had to do ANY work, ANY reading...and I effed it up by getting drunk last night - the first time I've celebrated finishing the course....so now I'm even more tired and hungover. 

But I'm so looking forward to catching up with friends over the next couple of weekends. Now that the pressure is off, this feeling is just.....unreal. I almost can't believe I made it to the end. Now I have to play the waiting game - the results are due in August. 

My birthday crept up on me...31....I think because I was in the middle of a whole load of stress, I didn't really think about it. And I had a lovely, romantic weekend, but I was never able to completely forget about all the other work that I had to do, so I couldn't completely relax, and spent my birthday evening working. 

Now it's time to work on the next stages...whatever they may be. Thank you for all the well wishes, support and messages of encouragement. It's nice to know that even one person has been inspired! (*^_^*)

xoxo

Nightmare!

Revelling in finishing the course on Friday didn't last long.

Up early on Saturday, got to the airport without any problems - and the taxi driver actually ran his meter, so from central Bangkok to the airport only cost just over 200 baht, got away with 30+ kg of luggage...dragged my arse to the departure lounge....

....and then found out my flight was 45 minutes delayed. 

I was already thinking that I would be pushing my luck because I only had just over an hour and a half to transfer in KL in the first place....with this delay, I would only have had 30 minutes.

I asked the woman if I'd make it and she was all like,  "Sure, sure you have plenty of time".

30 minutes for a transfer is NOT plenty of time. Especially at an airport which only opened 2 days ago. 

Then the flight was an hour delayed. I knew I wasn't going to make my connecting flight, but the woman was there, telling us all we'd still make the flight. If she had just been honest and admitted that we didn't have a chance in hell of making the flight, I would've just booked a direct flight with another airline to make sure that I could arrive back to Tokyo last night.

Bitch.

So we arrived at the new Kuala Lumpur International Airport 2 (KLIA). It's stunning. Like a mall. And it was about time they closed down that piece of shit LCCT terminal! Problem? It was absolutely AGES to the connecting gates. It took over 5 minutes to get there and when I arrived, my gate was already closed. So I had to go through immigration, pick up my luggage and then head up to the service counter to get another ticket.

My luggage never arrived. I couldn't get another flight yesterday. The only airline that was flying to Haneda was Malaysian Airlines. 

Let me. LOL!

In all my years of travelling, I have never missed a flight and I've never lost my luggage. What I've done to deserve both happening on the same day right after finishing a DELTA Module 2 course is beyond me. 

After 3 hours of loafing around and barging my way through restricted areas, I managed to find my suitcase. Some consolation. And then I was taken to this hotel......which doesn't serve alcohol. I could deal with the shitty choices for dinner and breakfast and even with the old bathroom....but after the day I'd had yesterday, I was just desperate for a rum and coke. =( If I had been in downtown KL, it wouldn't have been so bad, but I was in some tiny little town in the arse end of nowhere.....and with very few women about. 

So I'm flying out this afternoon at the same time I was supposed to be flying yesterday. That wouldn't be so bad if I could've been picked up at the airport like I would've been able to had I arrived last night. Now I have to lug more than 50kg of luggage that I can barely lift back on the trains. And we all know what Japanese people are like for lending a hand.

I'm dreading it.

Plus, I won't get that one day that I so desperately needed to wind down. I'm going to have gone from 2 months of intensive stress straight back into work. No time to process anything in between. No time to relax before I have to juggle work and DELTA Modules 1 and 3 all at the same time.

**sigh**

I just hope the flight isn't delayed today - if it is I'm going to miss all the last trains when I get back to Tokyo.

Pllleeeeaaasssseeee go smoothly. 

xoxo

2 more days!

And it's that time again.

I started packing tonight. 

2 months.

It feels weird to be packing again. I can't decide if it feels like I've been here for ages, or a really short time. It's just been non-stop go, go, go, that it's all kind of turned into a blur.

I also have mixed feelings about leaving. Naturally I'm going to miss the weather, the heat, the pool, the food and some of the people that I've met here. And I can't honestly say that I'm looking forward to getting back to work. But given that the Thai PM was ousted today and the demonstrations have gotten bigger and potentially more dangerous, it seems like a good time to get out before I could potentially get caught up in something. We got warned today about staying vigilant, so I feel kinda glad to be leaving because of that. Also I wanna get back to my house. My kitchen. My WARDROBE. My SHOES!!! And of course, get back to someone very special. =)

It's just a shame that I'm going to be leaving pretty much as white as when I left! And that really sucks - being in Thailand and not having time to hit the beach. Especially when I'm going to be back in the concrete jungle for the next however many months before I'll get the chance to go on holiday. 

Only one more month of stress to go and then the DELTA will be all finished.

One more month.

One final push.

xoxo

Home Stretch!

I can't believe I'm nearly done.

The last 2 months have literally disappeared before my eyes.

So, so exhausted. 

I need a week off to recover when I get back to Tokyo....unfortunately, that's not going to happen! As well as jumping straight back into work, I need to study for an exam and write a dissertation along with designing a minimum of a 20 hour course.

No rest for the wicked!

But everything has been worth it. I can't believe how much I've learnt and it's interesting to watch developments and changes in my teaching - especially since so many beliefs I held before I came here have pretty much been shattered and replaced with a good, strong sense of reality.

But it's all about tomorrow. The externally assessed lesson.

The assessor is flying in from Hong Kong and I'm first up. I never do well when it comes to names being pulled out of a hat! LOL!

But I've played it safe - I'm teaching grammar. Past modals of deduction. 

I've taught this grammatical structure at least 6 or 7 times before. Successfully. I am taking a bit of a gamble and trying something different, but I'm hoping that everything will go smoothly and my nerves won't get the better of me. 

After tomorrow, I'll have one evaluation, one more essay and one more lesson to go and then my workload will be DONE! For Module 2 anyway! LOL! It's hard to remember that when I get back to Japan it's not over! Still 2 more modules to go. >_<

I'd do anything for a week at the beach!

xoxo

On The Mend

Doing this course definitely takes its toll on your body.

3 of us on the course all got struck down with colds last week. I literally spent the whole weekend in bed, coughing my lungs up and watching TV. I turned the air con off, necked a total of 7.5 litres of water and numerous cups of tea, and today, I'm finally feeling a little bit stronger.

If I see another cup of ginger tea, I'm going to throw it across the room! LOL!

I honestly cannot believe it's the end of April already. The last 3 weeks have absolutely flown by, and I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself for the stress which is going to come over these last 2 weeks.....starting tomorrow!

It's going well though - I've learnt sooooo much and it's been fun teaching in a multilingual classroom again. We got to do an experimental lesson, which basically gives you the chance to try something completely different...and the best bit is, it doesn't matter if it doesn't work! I decided to go for one of those alternative holistic approaches, and absolutely LOVED it! HAHAHA! I've never had a quicker change of attitude towards something!

The challenges that are going to start rearing their ugly heads now are 
1 - how to juggle doing 2 more modules when I'm back in Japan and working full time
2 - how to use all this new knowledge in my current context.

Something that I definitely need to start thinking about.

xoxo

One Month To Go!

OK, so I know the update came a lot later than planned, many apologies!

The DELTA is no joke. I knew this before I started - I knew it was going to be a lot of reading, a lot of essays, a lot of lesson plans and a whole load of teaching. I knew this. 

But no matter how mentally prepared you are, the insane workload of this course still manages to come as a shock.

The first 3 weeks are HECTIC. Essay after essay and so much reading you barely have time to breathe after finishing one before you're picking up another book to start reading for the next work. I have to say that I am totally surprised at how well I'm doing so far - I knew I started behind everyone else, but I've managed to catch up and find myself on par and near the top of the group. It just goes to show that hard work does pay off.

We are a lucky group though, because Songkran (Thai New Year) falls during our course. Which means we get this week off!!! Ohhhhh how easy it is to become complacent, but it is the perfect chance to catch up and, dare I say it, get ahead with all the reading and essays that are due over the next 3 weeks. Definitely hoping to still get some beach and tanning time in there though!

The key to this course is getting a good handle on your time management. Seriously. It's the one piece of advice I'd give anyone thinking about taking the course. Get your s*** worked out and the stress is so much more manageable. 

I'm definitely not socialising as much as I did when I did my CELTA, but I have managed to catch up with some friends and also spend some time with some special people. But now that everyone has left, the mad workload starts today. I'm going to try and bust out 3 essays in a week. Yahhhh...good luck with that I know! LOL!

So that's a very brief summary of what is going on. Naturally I'm heartbroken to have missed hanami in Tokyo, but I am enjoying being back in Thailand and chowing down Thai food everyday. 

Be back at ya with another update soon!

xoxo

And So It Begins

I cannot believe it's March.

And I seriously can't believe I'm leaving for Thailand in a few hours to do my DELTA. I've been talking about it for a year and it's managed to suddenly creep upon me.

This week has been hectic trying to get last minute preparations done - namely paying bills, transferring money all over the place and emptying my bank accounts.

So sad.

I've been up early the last couple of days and have practically finished packing and cleaning. I actually think I have enough time to just chill out and relax for an hour, but I'm too scared to in case I suddenly remember that there's something else I should've done and then I won't have time to do it.

LOL!

I'd actually really like to thank a handful of people who have been super amazing and supportive over the last couple of weeks. They've helped me manage my stress and have been wonderfully encouraging.

Thank you.

Next time you'll be hearing from me, I'll be in the scorching heat!

=)

xoxo