Overwhelmed

Uffff...my emotions seem to be running really high tonight.

I can't pinpoint exactly why...I just feel like I have so much on right now and I can't really handle it all.

Do I wanna write it all down? Yah, go on then...just not sure where to start.

Let's start with my ex-best friend re-entering my life. I've had a few people offer me their thoughts on this situation after I blogged about it before. Two people basically told me that people come and go in and out of your life for a reason. Someone else told me that if I couldn't think of anything positive that she could add to my life, then f*** it.

I'm not gonna lie - I AM a little suspicious of what's going on....I think I'm a little freaked at the ease to which she seems to be able to talk to me again - especially since I'm not there yet. Like, we are mailing and I am talking to her but it's hard to accept her promise that she will never run off on me again when I haven't seen the emotional changes myself. It has to be the same for her, right? I'm willing to see what happens but it's kinda just brought back so many emotions and memories and on top of everything else that's going on right now....I dunno.

Next is the fact that I'm working 7 days a week for the next 2 months. I mean, I'm not working all day, every day but I really have to make up the money that I lost last month and that I'm gonna lose over the next few months through travelling so much. It's not really a big deal but you know I mentioned before that I don't get that one day in the week where I have absolutely nothing to do - I'm telling you - this holiday is coming at the most perfect time.

And then there's the fact that my flatmate is leaving. I think I MIGHT just get a little more time than I thought but it's gonna be hard to find someone who is as easy to live with as him. Our paths barely cross - we go days without seeing each other and whilst I'm not saying that I want the next person who moves in to be the same, I don't want some completely crazy mad partier who is just gonna give me grief. I'm gonna be taking over the lease soon so it's another reason I need to keep the cash coming in - the entire rent and ALL the bills are gonna be coming straight out of my account. Time flies as well so it's something that we need to get started with - especially since I'm gonna be away as well.

Then there's the men - of course men always have to come into it somehow.

The one I'm doing (on occasion!!!) - selfish, insensitive (although I've seen a real improvement in this recently) and doesn't deserve me. Why do I keep doing it? It's an easy, mutual agreement, no stress, no neediness, no hearts and smileys and messages everyday necessary, he's not gonna fall in love with me and we can have a good time with no strings. It's the kinda thing where it'll stop when either of us has something better coming along!!!!! Well - not for him - I have a sneaky suspicion that he MAY have a girl...I'm not sure and he's denied it so that's good enough I guess...but also reason enough why it's impossible for me to fall for or date this guy. My emotions aren't at risk with him.

The one I want - easily the most fantastic guy I have met in a long time. Genuine, hilarous, HOT HOT HOT, wouldn't normally be my "usual" type but you know with me the funny guy always wins, has morals, great listener, super super nice guy, no bullshit, can have a right crack with. The problem? He's completely and utterly emotionally unavailable. Does he know? I made the mistake of telling him...BUT....I also told him that I wouldn't act on it because I know that he's going through some stuff that's gonna take a long time to figure out. What did he say? The classic "you're an awesome girl but I'm emotionally messed up right now". I'm about 80% sure that was to try and spare my feelings. Either way, even if I wait, I'm not sure that that's ever gonna happen. Why? I just honestly don't think I'm his type - too strong, too loud, too opinionated (in a good way!!), too....experienced? And I'm not talking about THAT!!!! What happens now? Nothing.

So yah that's really gay too. LOL! It's just the combination of all these things building up day after day after day and not being able to really deal with them one by one. Everything has to be dealt with at the same time and along with the constant aftershocks and radiation threat, it's just overwhelming to be honest.

xoxo