LOL - I'm not sure I actually want to reflect.
But after a lazy blogging year, I felt the need to write one final post on the last day of 2014.
What a year.
What a very difficult, emotionally challenging year. Here are just a few random thoughts I've been having today.
Things that I have learnt this year.
1. I'm not as strong as I thought I was.
This year I have done things that even just a year ago, I never would have done. I have endured things that I would normally have walked away from. I have forgiven things that I never would have even thought about forgiving just a year ago. I have let people treat me in ways that I never thought I would have stood for. And all of this has turned me into someone that I am not happy with, that I do not like, and that I will bury next year. Not having it.
2. I spent more time trying to do what I thought I should be doing instead of what I wanted to do.
Not even so much what I thought I should be doing, but more like what I thought was expected of me at this particular stage. Everyone knows I love travel. And not having had the opportunity to go anywhere this year has affected my overall happiness. I'm already thinking about travel plans next year, and they have already put a smile on my face, even though nothing has been set in stone. The thought ALONE makes me feel happy.
3. My gut instinct is ALWAYS right. I wish I had trusted it - I truly believe I would be much happier now.
This has been a very tough lesson this year. I chose to ignore a gut instinct, I turned out to be right...and all that lead to was a whole load of heartache. If I had trusted it...well, I can't even tell you where I would be right now.
4. No matter what your mind tells you to do, whatever you KNOW is the right thing to do, your heart has the power to make you do the opposite.
Highly annoying.
5. Feelings are a bitch.
If we could just cut off our emotions and detach ourselves from a situation, how easy would it be to just walk away?! Connected to #4, the heart wants what it wants. Those who are strong enough to go with their head? Good for you!
6. Don't give others priority if they're not willing to do the same. I'm way too generous and I know I give too much to people who don't deserve it.
I don't even want to get into this one. It's self explanatory.
7. You can't be the only one fighting to save something. It has to be a combined effort.
If you don't want to save it, then walk away. Don't leave someone fighting for something you don't even want yourself. It's not fair.
8. I'm not happy.
How the hell I didn't really notice this until a couple of months ago is beyond me. All it takes it for someone to lay everything out....or to actually see and spend time with someone who is happy to realise that changes need to be made. And I am grateful (if not somewhat envious!!!) of having those people around me.
9. I am surrounded by AMAZING people.
THANK YOU for listening. THANK YOU for your hugs. THANK YOU for your brutal honesty. THANK YOU for your advice. THANK YOU for not judging me. THANK YOU for your patience. THANK YOU for your love and THANK YOU for your support. You KNOW who you are and please know that I love you all.
Things that I miss about London:
1. Tesco - and all the food in it!
Fruit and veg at proper prices, amazing baking goods, fishmongers and delis, BREAD....
2. Sales shopping
Completely cleaned up this year! Although I shan't tell you what I spent! The only consolation is that I'm able to claim tax back - something I only found out last week!
3. Selfridges
My fave store in the whole world. It has everything and is just a fabulous shopping experience if you can keep calm and endure the crowds.
4. My friends
I never realise how much I miss everyone until I come back and see them again. I've laughed so hard over the last couple of weeks and just loved catching up.
5. Amazing Indian food
God, the UK does it sooooo right.
6. The architecture
London is stunning. Truly stunning. I love walking around and just staring at the traditional buildings.
7. The international vibe - a whole melting pot of people from all over the world
The complete opposite to Tokyo - I love walking down the street and just having a load of multi-coloured faces pass me by.
8. My family
No explanation needed.
9. Central heating
Radiators in the bathroom? YESSSSSS!!!! Dreading going back to Tokyo!
10. Being hit on!
It's always a shock (and an ego boost I guess!) coming back to the UK. People are so FORWARD and don't hesitate to compliment you. I was walking down Bond Street and a guy said something to me...and I actually turned around because I thought he was talking to someone else! At times like that, I realise how long I've been away.
And no, those are not in any particular order!
Things that I miss about Tokyo:
1. Not having to cling onto my bag for dear life on the tube for fear of it being snatched.
Tokyo is crazy safe. People walk about with their wallets hanging out of their pockets. More often than not, if you lose anything, it will get handed in. Amazing.
2. Good sushi.
Why my friends here insist on taking me to Japanese or sushi restaurants here in London is beyond me. Yeh, they are good....but remember where I live my lovelies!
3. My house
I miss being surrounded by my stuff in the places where I put it.
4. The city at night
Tokyo is gorgeous at night. London is gorgeous all day...but Tokyo at night is just breathtaking.
5. Heated toilet seats
You'll never realise how much you need them until you don't have access to them anymore! HAHAHA!
Of course I miss people there. Of course I do. But after 7.5 years, I'm really wondering if it's time to move on. You don't think about it when you're there, but when I come back to the UK and tell people how long I've been living in Japan, their reaction always makes everything seem so real. It is a really long time.
New Year's Resolutions for 2015:
1. BE HAPPY.
There is a world of stuff included in that. But ultimately, that is my goal for next year. Since I realised the extent of my unhappiness, one thing has become apparent - I do have the power to change it. I've given myself a couple of cut off points to make some very big decisions that will be detrimental to how the rest of the year pans out.
The small things make all the difference. They do.
No more settling.
Have a wonderful NYE however you may be celebrating!
xoxo
Wednesday 31 December 2014
Tuesday 16 December 2014
もういいよ！
Seriously, enough.
本当に。
Typical that the last week before I'm supposed to check out for the year should be this ghastly.
I am so emotionally drained and my mind is in desperate need of some serious R&R.
How do I know this?
I'm starting to lose my temper. Not to its fullest extent, but I ended up in a screaming/shouting match 4 times yesterday. I literally felt like I'd spent the whole day arguing. And then to go home and for that to continue? That pushed me over the edge. I can't even put into words the sheer frustration I'm feeling right now. And I also feel disappointed that this is how the year here is going to end. I was so hoping for that whole ending on a positive note thing, and that would be indicative of how the new year would start.
Pah, no such luck. I'm just going to have to make sure I can leave all this shit here and take it upon myself to start 2015 the right way.
So done with all this b*******.
So done.
So not doing it anymore.
xoxo
本当に。
Typical that the last week before I'm supposed to check out for the year should be this ghastly.
I am so emotionally drained and my mind is in desperate need of some serious R&R.
How do I know this?
I'm starting to lose my temper. Not to its fullest extent, but I ended up in a screaming/shouting match 4 times yesterday. I literally felt like I'd spent the whole day arguing. And then to go home and for that to continue? That pushed me over the edge. I can't even put into words the sheer frustration I'm feeling right now. And I also feel disappointed that this is how the year here is going to end. I was so hoping for that whole ending on a positive note thing, and that would be indicative of how the new year would start.
Pah, no such luck. I'm just going to have to make sure I can leave all this shit here and take it upon myself to start 2015 the right way.
So done with all this b*******.
So done.
So not doing it anymore.
xoxo
Thursday 11 December 2014
Great Expectations
This time in a week, I'll be packing to go home.
And then it will be goodbye to 2014. And to be honest? Good riddance.
The first 6 months of the year saw me complete a DELTA course and I should have been celebrating that all year. It's a massive achievement for me and I was excited to see what new opportunities having it would take me.
But the latter half of this year? The last 6 months have just been....I don't even know how to describe them...
...HARD.
An emotional rollercoaster.
A realisation of the massive changes I need to make next year.
It's only been over the last couple of months that I've come to terms with the fact that I'm just not as happy as I could be. And it's only since events over the last 3 weeks have unfolded and since talking to close friends, that I've come to the realisation of just how deep that unhappiness runs.
It was a shock to be honest. I'm not talking about any one particular thing - I'm talking generally. Until I was talking to friends about life, love, health, careers, travel, EVERYTHING, I didn't realise how much dissatisfaction had built up inside me. I will not ever have another year without travelling - imagine someone told you you couldn't do the one thing you love the most. Imagine how you would feel. I see other people's holiday pictures on FB and I find myself green with envy! Ridiculous. I didn't realise how much I was YEARNING for big belly laughs, smiles, travel, excitement and general HAPPINESS.
This concept...this realisation...has actually been really difficult for me to deal with and understand. I was forced to step back and recognise the causes...and as things started to get clearer, I've made the decision to start making changes. Why bother to wait until the new year? I'm starting my new year's resolutions. Today.
It's a simple resolution, under which is a whole load of sub-resolutions. What do I want for 2015? One word.
HAPPINESS.
I'm choosing happiness over money. I'm choosing happiness over fear. I want to be happy. I want to do the things that make me happy instead of doing what people or society expect me to. I want to share the things that make me happy with people who are important to me.
I want to look in the mirror and be happy with what is staring back at me. I want my confidence back and I want to take back the power of how I view myself, instead of how others view me.
I want to stop expecting so much of other people - to try accepting more. I don't even just want this - I need this. That way, I don't have to deal with this constant feeling of disappointment. At the same time, I want to be accepted as I am; to bring out the best in other people so that they want to better themselves in order to exceed my expectations. Not because I want them to, but because they WANT to do that for me.
I want to surround myself with positive and inspiring people. We are all fighting some kind of battle. I know that I could learn from others' positivity, even in dark times, in order to help me get through my own.
I used to be a super positive person. I want that back. I want to stop focussing so hard on the negative and channel that energy into trying to find the positive - even in shitty situations.
I saw this on the internet yesterday:
"Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it".
Youch - how true does that ring?? It's hard because that place you lost your happiness can also be the place that you want it most. Can be anything - family, work, relationships, habits, health. Anything.
Something I'll still be taking into the new year is to not give up on something until I've done everything I possibly can to make it work. That applies to everything. And whilst it may cause me a lot of ballache (LOL - if i had any!), at least I won't regret anything in the same way I would if I was one of those people who just thought f*** it and walked away from a situation the second it gets tough. I'll get to walk away knowing there's nothing else I could've done. Even if it turns out that it wasn't worth the effort, that's just the type of person I am.
Time to get some of my old sparkle back. I didn't realise how much I've changed until close friends pointed it out.
One of the most important things I'm taking with me into next year is something one of my close girlfriends said. Not her exact words, but the message was basically along the lines of the fact that just because things in my life aren't going well, and just because I might be feeling like complete and utter shit, it doesn't mean that I have to be mean to other people. And it certainly doesn't give me the right to be a bitch to other people. She told me that even when her world came crashing down, she made an effort to be nice to the people around her.
She's completely right. It's not other people's fault events are unfolding as they are in my life. Commence the feelings of guilt.
Off the bat, I can already think of several instances where I've taken this out on other people. How unfair and selfish of me.
I'm sorry.
I'm taking back control.
My happiness is no one else's responsibility except my own.
Here's to a much happier 2015!
xoxo
And then it will be goodbye to 2014. And to be honest? Good riddance.
The first 6 months of the year saw me complete a DELTA course and I should have been celebrating that all year. It's a massive achievement for me and I was excited to see what new opportunities having it would take me.
But the latter half of this year? The last 6 months have just been....I don't even know how to describe them...
...HARD.
An emotional rollercoaster.
A realisation of the massive changes I need to make next year.
It's only been over the last couple of months that I've come to terms with the fact that I'm just not as happy as I could be. And it's only since events over the last 3 weeks have unfolded and since talking to close friends, that I've come to the realisation of just how deep that unhappiness runs.
It was a shock to be honest. I'm not talking about any one particular thing - I'm talking generally. Until I was talking to friends about life, love, health, careers, travel, EVERYTHING, I didn't realise how much dissatisfaction had built up inside me. I will not ever have another year without travelling - imagine someone told you you couldn't do the one thing you love the most. Imagine how you would feel. I see other people's holiday pictures on FB and I find myself green with envy! Ridiculous. I didn't realise how much I was YEARNING for big belly laughs, smiles, travel, excitement and general HAPPINESS.
This concept...this realisation...has actually been really difficult for me to deal with and understand. I was forced to step back and recognise the causes...and as things started to get clearer, I've made the decision to start making changes. Why bother to wait until the new year? I'm starting my new year's resolutions. Today.
It's a simple resolution, under which is a whole load of sub-resolutions. What do I want for 2015? One word.
HAPPINESS.
I'm choosing happiness over money. I'm choosing happiness over fear. I want to be happy. I want to do the things that make me happy instead of doing what people or society expect me to. I want to share the things that make me happy with people who are important to me.
I want to look in the mirror and be happy with what is staring back at me. I want my confidence back and I want to take back the power of how I view myself, instead of how others view me.
I want to stop expecting so much of other people - to try accepting more. I don't even just want this - I need this. That way, I don't have to deal with this constant feeling of disappointment. At the same time, I want to be accepted as I am; to bring out the best in other people so that they want to better themselves in order to exceed my expectations. Not because I want them to, but because they WANT to do that for me.
I want to surround myself with positive and inspiring people. We are all fighting some kind of battle. I know that I could learn from others' positivity, even in dark times, in order to help me get through my own.
I used to be a super positive person. I want that back. I want to stop focussing so hard on the negative and channel that energy into trying to find the positive - even in shitty situations.
I saw this on the internet yesterday:
"Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it".
Youch - how true does that ring?? It's hard because that place you lost your happiness can also be the place that you want it most. Can be anything - family, work, relationships, habits, health. Anything.
Something I'll still be taking into the new year is to not give up on something until I've done everything I possibly can to make it work. That applies to everything. And whilst it may cause me a lot of ballache (LOL - if i had any!), at least I won't regret anything in the same way I would if I was one of those people who just thought f*** it and walked away from a situation the second it gets tough. I'll get to walk away knowing there's nothing else I could've done. Even if it turns out that it wasn't worth the effort, that's just the type of person I am.
Time to get some of my old sparkle back. I didn't realise how much I've changed until close friends pointed it out.
One of the most important things I'm taking with me into next year is something one of my close girlfriends said. Not her exact words, but the message was basically along the lines of the fact that just because things in my life aren't going well, and just because I might be feeling like complete and utter shit, it doesn't mean that I have to be mean to other people. And it certainly doesn't give me the right to be a bitch to other people. She told me that even when her world came crashing down, she made an effort to be nice to the people around her.
She's completely right. It's not other people's fault events are unfolding as they are in my life. Commence the feelings of guilt.
Off the bat, I can already think of several instances where I've taken this out on other people. How unfair and selfish of me.
I'm sorry.
I'm taking back control.
My happiness is no one else's responsibility except my own.
Here's to a much happier 2015!
xoxo
Monday 1 December 2014
Happiness
Today I read this super interesting article that my friend posted on FB:
"15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy".
If you haven't already, you should definitely check it out. There is literally something in there everyone can learn from. It's such a good read!. And it's also reminded me of the fact that we have more control over our own happiness that we realise. Such an eye opener! But what happens more often than not, is that for some reason we don't take as much responsibility for our own happiness as we should.
And now that it's December and the year is coming to a close, it's time to start thinking about what the new year is going to bring. Because one thing's for sure, I'm not having another year like this one.
So apparently these are some of the things we need to give up!
1. Give Up Your Need To Always Be Right
I don't think I'm insanely guilty of this one, but I certainly know some people who are! I don't think I'm too bad at just backing down - I'm not going to go on insisting that I'm right when I'm wrong. LOL! I'm at a point now where it's just easier to let someone else think they're right. On the inside, I'll know if I am. HAHAHA! Some people will just never back down and it's not worth the energy, time or grief!
2. Give Up Your Need For Control
Much harder. Much, much harder. Especially when this article is trying to tell you to take responsibility for your own happiness, and that you are in control of your own happiness. I get what it means when it says that we should just let people be as they are, or let things be as they are, but if they aren't what make you happy and aren't willing to change, then there's no need to have to settle for that, right? It's hard to let go of that control when there is a fear of something going wrong. I would think that's just natural....in most situations anyway.
3. Give Up On Blame
I am very aware of my own shortcomings and I'm very aware when I've done something wrong. I know I can take responsibility for it - I don't need to blame anyone...except myself for allowing others to behave a certain way, or for allowing certain things to happen. There are so many things that have happened this year that I know I should have taken a much stronger stand on...if I had, who knows what the end of this year would have been like. There is no one to blame for what's happened over the course of the latter half of this year. I made my choices....I'm the one that has to deal with them.
4. Give Up Your Self-Defeating Self-Talk
"The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive".
Don't I know it. It's so hard not to believe what your mind is telling you. It's probably the biggest thing that I have to work on. I think this is the place I need to start. Seriously.
5. Give Up Your Limiting Beliefs
I want this more for someone else. Normally when I say I can't do something, I'm normally referring to exercise! LOL! Especially doing P90X - the temptation to just give up is too strong, but the motivation and support from other people around keeps me doing these god awful exercises to failure. But there is someone else that I just wish would believe they were capable of doing something. We don't have to give in or give up...not if we really don't want to. I know they can do it - I just don't know how to make them see that. =(
6. Give Up Complaining
HAHAHA! Complaining is a British sport!!! I mean, I can try and reign it in a bit...but to be honest, winter is coming (and is practically here already). The complaining is only going to get worse! But I'm gonna try and make a conscious effort not to complain about things I know I can do something about, and just try and actually do something about them instead.
7. Give Up The Luxury of Criticism
I don't need to criticise people for being different to me. Half of the friends that I now have, I would never have made if I hadn't come to Japan - there's no way our paths would have crossed otherwise, and I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful to know such wonderful people, even if they aren't here anymore. But I will criticise you if you wear Crocs. Sorry! HAHAHA!
8. Give Up Your Need to Impress Others
I'm not saying I don't give a **** what anyone else thinks - everyone does to some extent, but sooner or later your true colours will show themselves, so I don't believe in trying to be someone I'm not for other people. The only thing I will do, is hold back until I decide how much of myself I want to show to someone else.
9. Give Up Your Resistance to Change
I'm not scared of change. If I was, I never would have been able to live in as many different countries as I have. That being said, once you've been somewhere for a while, taking that step to change can be an extremely daunting experience. But I know it's time.
10. Give Up Labels
"The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don't know anything about".
My oh my, there are a few people who I would like to slap in the face with that quote! I'm sure I'm not perfect in that respect either, but I will keep my mind as open as possible before making a judgement about something. And we all judge to an extent. It's just what people do.
11. Give Up On Your Fears
Another one of the places I need to start. It might all be in the mind, but it's hard to just let go of that fear in certain situations.
12. Give Up Your Excuses
I think we could all find an excuse to do (or not to do) anything. At the end of the day, with certain things, it just takes that strength and willpower to do what we need to do.
God, I wish I could actually do half this stuff I'm blogging about!! I know what I need to do - why can't I do it?! Laziness and fear!
13. Give Up The Past
Youchhhhhh - this is a tough one. We are all shaped in some way or other by our pasts - like so many other people, mine has been colourful, I've been through a lot and I've experienced a lot.
Something that is sticking with me more and more though, is something that my girl said. She was talking about relationships, but I still think it can apply to other things.
She basically said that she would settle for nothing less than AMAZING. She told me that she has dealt with so many what she called "injured souls", that she's aware of exactly what she wants and what she deserves.
We all deserve that "amazing", but I also believe you may not be able to see that right off the bat. A lot of things that you deal with in all aspects of life aren't amazing off the bat. You have to work through the crap to find that AMAZING. And if it's there, you'll find it! LOL! Good for her though, there's nothing wrong with setting your standards so high - whether it's relationships, or work, or friendships.
14. Give Up Attachment
I'm not really sure what this one meant or what it was referring to. I feel that detaching yourself means not being in love with someone or caring about something...I guess it doesn't have to be like that. The article says "attachment comes from a place of fear, while real love is pure, kind, and selfless. Where there is love there can't be fear".
I don't know if I agree with that - everyone has fears don't they? Is this one supposed to only refer to relationships? What do you think?
15. Give Up Living Your Life to Other People's Expectations
I know that I made a huge sacrifice this year and I also know that the decision I made at the beginning of this year hasn't made me happy. I don't regret making it, but I also know what I need to do next year to be happier. I don't feel like I've been trying to please everyone, but I know that I've made some decisions that I wouldn't normally make, primarily because I've put other people before myself, or I thought that people were expecting that of me. I can be just as selfless as I can be selfish, and I think that so many people take advantage of that.
All of these things - they're true. It's just going to take a bit of work to employ them all.
But one thing I know for sure...
...there is no way I'm having another year like this one.
I won't stand for it.
Taking back control.
Hang on, aren't I supposed to be not as controlling according to this article?! LOLOLOLOLOL! Not sure how that one's going to work out!
xoxo
"15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy".
If you haven't already, you should definitely check it out. There is literally something in there everyone can learn from. It's such a good read!. And it's also reminded me of the fact that we have more control over our own happiness that we realise. Such an eye opener! But what happens more often than not, is that for some reason we don't take as much responsibility for our own happiness as we should.
And now that it's December and the year is coming to a close, it's time to start thinking about what the new year is going to bring. Because one thing's for sure, I'm not having another year like this one.
So apparently these are some of the things we need to give up!
1. Give Up Your Need To Always Be Right
I don't think I'm insanely guilty of this one, but I certainly know some people who are! I don't think I'm too bad at just backing down - I'm not going to go on insisting that I'm right when I'm wrong. LOL! I'm at a point now where it's just easier to let someone else think they're right. On the inside, I'll know if I am. HAHAHA! Some people will just never back down and it's not worth the energy, time or grief!
2. Give Up Your Need For Control
Much harder. Much, much harder. Especially when this article is trying to tell you to take responsibility for your own happiness, and that you are in control of your own happiness. I get what it means when it says that we should just let people be as they are, or let things be as they are, but if they aren't what make you happy and aren't willing to change, then there's no need to have to settle for that, right? It's hard to let go of that control when there is a fear of something going wrong. I would think that's just natural....in most situations anyway.
3. Give Up On Blame
I am very aware of my own shortcomings and I'm very aware when I've done something wrong. I know I can take responsibility for it - I don't need to blame anyone...except myself for allowing others to behave a certain way, or for allowing certain things to happen. There are so many things that have happened this year that I know I should have taken a much stronger stand on...if I had, who knows what the end of this year would have been like. There is no one to blame for what's happened over the course of the latter half of this year. I made my choices....I'm the one that has to deal with them.
4. Give Up Your Self-Defeating Self-Talk
"The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive".
Don't I know it. It's so hard not to believe what your mind is telling you. It's probably the biggest thing that I have to work on. I think this is the place I need to start. Seriously.
5. Give Up Your Limiting Beliefs
I want this more for someone else. Normally when I say I can't do something, I'm normally referring to exercise! LOL! Especially doing P90X - the temptation to just give up is too strong, but the motivation and support from other people around keeps me doing these god awful exercises to failure. But there is someone else that I just wish would believe they were capable of doing something. We don't have to give in or give up...not if we really don't want to. I know they can do it - I just don't know how to make them see that. =(
6. Give Up Complaining
HAHAHA! Complaining is a British sport!!! I mean, I can try and reign it in a bit...but to be honest, winter is coming (and is practically here already). The complaining is only going to get worse! But I'm gonna try and make a conscious effort not to complain about things I know I can do something about, and just try and actually do something about them instead.
7. Give Up The Luxury of Criticism
I don't need to criticise people for being different to me. Half of the friends that I now have, I would never have made if I hadn't come to Japan - there's no way our paths would have crossed otherwise, and I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful to know such wonderful people, even if they aren't here anymore. But I will criticise you if you wear Crocs. Sorry! HAHAHA!
8. Give Up Your Need to Impress Others
I'm not saying I don't give a **** what anyone else thinks - everyone does to some extent, but sooner or later your true colours will show themselves, so I don't believe in trying to be someone I'm not for other people. The only thing I will do, is hold back until I decide how much of myself I want to show to someone else.
9. Give Up Your Resistance to Change
I'm not scared of change. If I was, I never would have been able to live in as many different countries as I have. That being said, once you've been somewhere for a while, taking that step to change can be an extremely daunting experience. But I know it's time.
10. Give Up Labels
"The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don't know anything about".
My oh my, there are a few people who I would like to slap in the face with that quote! I'm sure I'm not perfect in that respect either, but I will keep my mind as open as possible before making a judgement about something. And we all judge to an extent. It's just what people do.
11. Give Up On Your Fears
Another one of the places I need to start. It might all be in the mind, but it's hard to just let go of that fear in certain situations.
12. Give Up Your Excuses
I think we could all find an excuse to do (or not to do) anything. At the end of the day, with certain things, it just takes that strength and willpower to do what we need to do.
God, I wish I could actually do half this stuff I'm blogging about!! I know what I need to do - why can't I do it?! Laziness and fear!
13. Give Up The Past
Youchhhhhh - this is a tough one. We are all shaped in some way or other by our pasts - like so many other people, mine has been colourful, I've been through a lot and I've experienced a lot.
Something that is sticking with me more and more though, is something that my girl said. She was talking about relationships, but I still think it can apply to other things.
She basically said that she would settle for nothing less than AMAZING. She told me that she has dealt with so many what she called "injured souls", that she's aware of exactly what she wants and what she deserves.
We all deserve that "amazing", but I also believe you may not be able to see that right off the bat. A lot of things that you deal with in all aspects of life aren't amazing off the bat. You have to work through the crap to find that AMAZING. And if it's there, you'll find it! LOL! Good for her though, there's nothing wrong with setting your standards so high - whether it's relationships, or work, or friendships.
14. Give Up Attachment
I'm not really sure what this one meant or what it was referring to. I feel that detaching yourself means not being in love with someone or caring about something...I guess it doesn't have to be like that. The article says "attachment comes from a place of fear, while real love is pure, kind, and selfless. Where there is love there can't be fear".
I don't know if I agree with that - everyone has fears don't they? Is this one supposed to only refer to relationships? What do you think?
15. Give Up Living Your Life to Other People's Expectations
I know that I made a huge sacrifice this year and I also know that the decision I made at the beginning of this year hasn't made me happy. I don't regret making it, but I also know what I need to do next year to be happier. I don't feel like I've been trying to please everyone, but I know that I've made some decisions that I wouldn't normally make, primarily because I've put other people before myself, or I thought that people were expecting that of me. I can be just as selfless as I can be selfish, and I think that so many people take advantage of that.
All of these things - they're true. It's just going to take a bit of work to employ them all.
But one thing I know for sure...
...there is no way I'm having another year like this one.
I won't stand for it.
Taking back control.
Hang on, aren't I supposed to be not as controlling according to this article?! LOLOLOLOLOL! Not sure how that one's going to work out!
xoxo
Thursday 27 November 2014
Pain, Pain, Pain
J**** f****** C*****.
I really don't know how much longer I can stay on this emotional rollercoaster.
I don't know if I can.
The pain that I've been feeling today has literally stopped me from doing any of the stuff that I needed to do.
From the moment I woke up....man, I can't even describe the feeling that was in my stomach. I felt sick to the point where I just wanted to run home, crawl onto the covers and just shut myself away from the world for a day.
But I got up...and took that feeling with me out the house...on the bus....on the train...and it has been with me all day. I've been feeling so effing HORRIBLE that I've spent a huge part of the day fighting back the urge to just break down and crumple to the floor.
I was on the train and this lady came up to me, tapped me on the arm, and said:
お姉さん、大丈夫ですか。
I was confused why she was asking me. I told her I was fine, but she looked concerned.
泣いているんだけど。本当に大丈夫ですか。
Woah. I hadn't even realised I had tears running down my face. Embarrassed, I just smiled politely and turned to face the door and fix my make up.
Wow.
It made me realise just HOW awful I was feeling. I remember thinking at that point how difficult it was going to be to make it through the day feeling like this. Getting through the things I needed to do feeling this kind of pain. Feeling this heaviness and this hurt.
I hate it. I hate the way this feels. The thing is, I know what could fix it. The problem is the thing that could fix is is very, very unlikely to happen.
Yesterday I was thinking about all the small things that make a difference. And they made me smile. I was on Pinterest and I saw this:
"A good morning text is not just to say "good morning". It also says "I think about you when I wake up"".
That's right. It is those small things. When they happen, they can just put the biggest grin on your face.They are so important...but unfortunately they are so few and far between, and are all too often overshadowed by nonsense and the big effing things that are meaningless. I guess those small things aren't important to everybody.
And that's a shame. People aren't mind readers, but how much should we really have to tell someone to do? Shouldn't people WANT to do those small things?
I guess there are some people that are just not programmed to think like that. Some people just aren't that kind of person. And we can sit there and wish for them to be, but the truth of the matter is that it's not going to happen. You can't change people, but it doesn't stop you from wishing that they would want to do some of those small wonderful things for you. That they would want to be just a little bit more like that....for you. Because they know it makes you happy.
*sigh*
I don't know how much fight I have left.
On a completely different note, I am soooooo upset at not going to a Thanksgiving dinner party today!!! I've been to one every year with friends from all over the world, but this year I was hoping that I'd get to go to a proper all American one. No such luck. I don't know why I feel so disappointed, but I do.
Probably just the tone that was set for me today!
Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow!
xoxo
I really don't know how much longer I can stay on this emotional rollercoaster.
I don't know if I can.
The pain that I've been feeling today has literally stopped me from doing any of the stuff that I needed to do.
From the moment I woke up....man, I can't even describe the feeling that was in my stomach. I felt sick to the point where I just wanted to run home, crawl onto the covers and just shut myself away from the world for a day.
But I got up...and took that feeling with me out the house...on the bus....on the train...and it has been with me all day. I've been feeling so effing HORRIBLE that I've spent a huge part of the day fighting back the urge to just break down and crumple to the floor.
I was on the train and this lady came up to me, tapped me on the arm, and said:
お姉さん、大丈夫ですか。
I was confused why she was asking me. I told her I was fine, but she looked concerned.
泣いているんだけど。本当に大丈夫ですか。
Woah. I hadn't even realised I had tears running down my face. Embarrassed, I just smiled politely and turned to face the door and fix my make up.
Wow.
It made me realise just HOW awful I was feeling. I remember thinking at that point how difficult it was going to be to make it through the day feeling like this. Getting through the things I needed to do feeling this kind of pain. Feeling this heaviness and this hurt.
I hate it. I hate the way this feels. The thing is, I know what could fix it. The problem is the thing that could fix is is very, very unlikely to happen.
Yesterday I was thinking about all the small things that make a difference. And they made me smile. I was on Pinterest and I saw this:
"A good morning text is not just to say "good morning". It also says "I think about you when I wake up"".
That's right. It is those small things. When they happen, they can just put the biggest grin on your face.They are so important...but unfortunately they are so few and far between, and are all too often overshadowed by nonsense and the big effing things that are meaningless. I guess those small things aren't important to everybody.
And that's a shame. People aren't mind readers, but how much should we really have to tell someone to do? Shouldn't people WANT to do those small things?
I guess there are some people that are just not programmed to think like that. Some people just aren't that kind of person. And we can sit there and wish for them to be, but the truth of the matter is that it's not going to happen. You can't change people, but it doesn't stop you from wishing that they would want to do some of those small wonderful things for you. That they would want to be just a little bit more like that....for you. Because they know it makes you happy.
*sigh*
I don't know how much fight I have left.
On a completely different note, I am soooooo upset at not going to a Thanksgiving dinner party today!!! I've been to one every year with friends from all over the world, but this year I was hoping that I'd get to go to a proper all American one. No such luck. I don't know why I feel so disappointed, but I do.
Probably just the tone that was set for me today!
Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow!
xoxo
Tuesday 25 November 2014
Feeling That Burn!
Holy c***.
I don't even think I can put into words the burn that is running through my arms, abs and thighs. I love the way it feels, but it's making life difficult! LOL!
So you've probably seen on FB that I've started hitting up the gym again. After months of extreme stress and bad health, I've dropped a ridiculous amount of weight and am not taking the steps to try and put it back on again.
Probably going to be hated for saying this, but it's not an easy task! LOL!
I don't believe in diets, but I have upped my calorie and protein intake to try and speed up the process. Meaning that the ridiculous amount of food I'm scoffing everyday is leaving me feeling VERY full.
But I've decided that I want to put the weight back on in the form of muscle, so I've been trying to supplement my fave cardio workouts with weight training. My bf was always talking about the P90X programme, so I thought that this would be a good time to try and check it out - especially seeing as he has EVERYTHING for it at his house already, and given where I'm staying right now, I'm not going to be able to get to the gym as much as I was over the last couple of weeks.
So on Sunday, I started. I just wish I'd done my research and started with P90 first! HAHAHA!
Things I've worked out after just Day 1 of this programme.
I HATE push ups. In any form. Day 1 is chest, back and abs, and a horrible rotation of push up variations, pull ups and chins up. All which are absolutely ghastly. I could do like 3 proper push ups before I had to cheat and use my knees. I managed about one or two proper pull ups before I had to reach for the chair, and I couldn't even keep up with the pace during the Ab Ripper X section.
I am in such bad shape! Well, not bad shape, but I have like ZERO upper body strength. And feeling this burn has just made me even more determined to stick at it and build that strength up.
Yesterday was plyometrics day. When I was watching the video, it really didn't look that bad. Just a little bit of jumping around......
LOL!
First mistake right there.
Plyometrics day is KILLER! I think I managed about 40 minutes out of the hour before I gave up. I think the fact that I was absolutely knackered as well didn't help - I think I'll be more likely to stick at it if I could get up earlier and work out in the morning instead of trying to force myself to do it at night. Yes, I know that you're supposed to be persistent and keep going and never give up, but the way I look at it, 40 minutes is better than 0 minutes, right? (^_-) And my thighs are definitely feeling that 40 minute workout today. Jump squats, lunges, marches, you name it - it's in there.
The programme comes with a nutrition plan, but I've decided not to follow that. I've always eaten what I wanted, and given the amount of weight I've lost, I feel like I can get back into shape through exercise alone. It is a great plan though, if weight loss if your goal. As long as I can keep up regular workouts, I don't see it being a problem. (*^_^*) The only problem is actually trying to stick with this programme - it's hard, it's intense and it HURTS! But, I've heard nothing but positive things about the results, so I'm going to try my best. That's all you can do, ne. Although I don't know how that's going to work over the festive season! HAHAHA!
I'm still going to try and hit the gym as much as my schedule will allow. I can't wait for next year when I can make some major changes to my work/life balance and start focussing on the things that matter more.
Next year is going to be huge. It's exciting. And scary.
xoxo
I don't even think I can put into words the burn that is running through my arms, abs and thighs. I love the way it feels, but it's making life difficult! LOL!
So you've probably seen on FB that I've started hitting up the gym again. After months of extreme stress and bad health, I've dropped a ridiculous amount of weight and am not taking the steps to try and put it back on again.
Probably going to be hated for saying this, but it's not an easy task! LOL!
I don't believe in diets, but I have upped my calorie and protein intake to try and speed up the process. Meaning that the ridiculous amount of food I'm scoffing everyday is leaving me feeling VERY full.
But I've decided that I want to put the weight back on in the form of muscle, so I've been trying to supplement my fave cardio workouts with weight training. My bf was always talking about the P90X programme, so I thought that this would be a good time to try and check it out - especially seeing as he has EVERYTHING for it at his house already, and given where I'm staying right now, I'm not going to be able to get to the gym as much as I was over the last couple of weeks.
So on Sunday, I started. I just wish I'd done my research and started with P90 first! HAHAHA!
Things I've worked out after just Day 1 of this programme.
I HATE push ups. In any form. Day 1 is chest, back and abs, and a horrible rotation of push up variations, pull ups and chins up. All which are absolutely ghastly. I could do like 3 proper push ups before I had to cheat and use my knees. I managed about one or two proper pull ups before I had to reach for the chair, and I couldn't even keep up with the pace during the Ab Ripper X section.
I am in such bad shape! Well, not bad shape, but I have like ZERO upper body strength. And feeling this burn has just made me even more determined to stick at it and build that strength up.
Yesterday was plyometrics day. When I was watching the video, it really didn't look that bad. Just a little bit of jumping around......
LOL!
First mistake right there.
Plyometrics day is KILLER! I think I managed about 40 minutes out of the hour before I gave up. I think the fact that I was absolutely knackered as well didn't help - I think I'll be more likely to stick at it if I could get up earlier and work out in the morning instead of trying to force myself to do it at night. Yes, I know that you're supposed to be persistent and keep going and never give up, but the way I look at it, 40 minutes is better than 0 minutes, right? (^_-) And my thighs are definitely feeling that 40 minute workout today. Jump squats, lunges, marches, you name it - it's in there.
The programme comes with a nutrition plan, but I've decided not to follow that. I've always eaten what I wanted, and given the amount of weight I've lost, I feel like I can get back into shape through exercise alone. It is a great plan though, if weight loss if your goal. As long as I can keep up regular workouts, I don't see it being a problem. (*^_^*) The only problem is actually trying to stick with this programme - it's hard, it's intense and it HURTS! But, I've heard nothing but positive things about the results, so I'm going to try my best. That's all you can do, ne. Although I don't know how that's going to work over the festive season! HAHAHA!
I'm still going to try and hit the gym as much as my schedule will allow. I can't wait for next year when I can make some major changes to my work/life balance and start focussing on the things that matter more.
Next year is going to be huge. It's exciting. And scary.
xoxo
Wednesday 12 November 2014
True Remorse
I read a super insightful article when I couldn't sleep this morning.
Funny, because I thought that going to a late night endurance spinning class would have knackered me out. On my way home, I was thinking how excited I was to go to bed and sleep all the way through until my alarm went off.
Yah, I knocked out when I got home...and then I was up at 1am....4am....5am....6am....8am....
**sigh** WTF man.
Anyway, if you haven't read the article, the link's on my FB page.
So simple. Generosity and kindness. Or so you would think. When I was reading through this, I realised that those traits could be extended into every area of life. Dealing with constant criticism and negativity at work or at home can be unhealthy. Exhausting.
Yesterday I reluctantly met with one of the people who caused me a whole load of hurt a few months ago. It wasn't by choice - that person contacted me and when I didn't reply, they just rocked up. How they knew where I would be at that time remains a mystery to me, but there they were.
You know before when I was talking about monogamy, and that when someone f**** up they should be willing to do WHATEVER it takes to fix the situation if they want to stay in the other person's life? Well, that mentality applies to other stuff and other f***-ups as well.
Yesterday - now THAT was an apology.
It wasn't just an apology. It was an EXPLANATION of why that person did what they did. Anyone who has ever been betrayed craves that explanation. It is so important to get that in order to move on. It was a heartful, meaningful, genuine apology. Full of remorse for what that person did; for how that person had hurt me. I felt every single word. I knew that that person was truly sorry for what they had done from the bottom of their heart. The genuiness of the whole episode made me well up.
OK, that's a lie. I totally cried.
That person practically begged for forgiveness. They told me that they would do literally anything I needed them to to let them back in my life. That person was on their knees on the floor.
Generosity and kindness.
I forgave them.
And I told them that I would give them the chance to SHOW me that I could trust them again. SHOW me, don't tell me. Actions speak louder than words.
Try EVERYTHING before walking away from a situation that you don't really want to walk away from. After an apology like that, that person deserves for me not to just give up on them.
That whole episode has been playing on my mind all day. Literally.
And then all I kept thinking after all the stories I heard and thinking back to the dramas of a few months ago, actually all I kept wishing, was that others who have f***** up would show the same kind of remorse. The same kind of determination to try and win trust back.
I don't need people to literally beg for forgiveness when they f*** up. But I think what people do need is to genuinely feel that the other person understands that what they did was wrong; that it was extremely hurtful, and destroyed any trust that was there. People need to feel that that person will do what they need to to get things back to a better place - not only understand what they NEED to do, but also be WILLING and WANT to do it. What happened yesterday opened my eyes that other people just aren't trying hard enough. And from that, I think one can only deduce that they don't want to. What I saw yesterday was 200% effort.
Don't just SAY it.
SHOW it.
Prove it.
LOL as soon as I wrote that, "Say Something" came on the radio. Is that a scary sign?!
I guess it's true.
Prove it.
xoxo
Yesterday I reluctantly met with one of the people who caused me a whole load of hurt a few months ago. It wasn't by choice - that person contacted me and when I didn't reply, they just rocked up. How they knew where I would be at that time remains a mystery to me, but there they were.
You know before when I was talking about monogamy, and that when someone f**** up they should be willing to do WHATEVER it takes to fix the situation if they want to stay in the other person's life? Well, that mentality applies to other stuff and other f***-ups as well.
Yesterday - now THAT was an apology.
It wasn't just an apology. It was an EXPLANATION of why that person did what they did. Anyone who has ever been betrayed craves that explanation. It is so important to get that in order to move on. It was a heartful, meaningful, genuine apology. Full of remorse for what that person did; for how that person had hurt me. I felt every single word. I knew that that person was truly sorry for what they had done from the bottom of their heart. The genuiness of the whole episode made me well up.
OK, that's a lie. I totally cried.
That person practically begged for forgiveness. They told me that they would do literally anything I needed them to to let them back in my life. That person was on their knees on the floor.
Generosity and kindness.
I forgave them.
And I told them that I would give them the chance to SHOW me that I could trust them again. SHOW me, don't tell me. Actions speak louder than words.
Try EVERYTHING before walking away from a situation that you don't really want to walk away from. After an apology like that, that person deserves for me not to just give up on them.
That whole episode has been playing on my mind all day. Literally.
And then all I kept thinking after all the stories I heard and thinking back to the dramas of a few months ago, actually all I kept wishing, was that others who have f***** up would show the same kind of remorse. The same kind of determination to try and win trust back.
I don't need people to literally beg for forgiveness when they f*** up. But I think what people do need is to genuinely feel that the other person understands that what they did was wrong; that it was extremely hurtful, and destroyed any trust that was there. People need to feel that that person will do what they need to to get things back to a better place - not only understand what they NEED to do, but also be WILLING and WANT to do it. What happened yesterday opened my eyes that other people just aren't trying hard enough. And from that, I think one can only deduce that they don't want to. What I saw yesterday was 200% effort.
Don't just SAY it.
SHOW it.
Prove it.
LOL as soon as I wrote that, "Say Something" came on the radio. Is that a scary sign?!
I guess it's true.
Prove it.
xoxo
Monday 10 November 2014
How Much Longer?
http://youtu.be/-2U0Ivkn2Ds
Click on the link and listen to the lyrics if you haven't already on Facebook.
There is no better song to sum up my mood today than this one.
I had a string of appointments...each progressively worse than the previous one. I decided to stop in Starbucks for a cup of tea, connected to iTunes Radio...and that was the first song that came on.
Now I am DESPERATELY fighting with everything I have not to cry in public.
Don't . Do. It.
Literally, I am so worked up my hands are shaking and I can barely type. What nonsense.
I'm a firm believer in not giving up fighting for something you want. You fight and fight and fight and you do everything that you can to get where you want to be. You deal with all the hurdles, all the setbacks. I've had to fight for everything my whole life....
....but at what point do you give in and admit defeat?
That was the main topic of conversation today.
It's exhausting trying to deal with whole loads of crap in the hope that "in the end" you'll have what you want, or you'll be where you want to be, or a shitty situation would have worked itself out. Nearly all situations involve another person, and when you're fighting for something, the people around you do have some influence in how succssful you're going to be. And when those people surrounding you fail to give you the support, encouragement or whatever else it is you need from there to succeed, you can't help but feel like throwing it all in and giving up.
Then comes the more logical bit.....what would happen if you weren't to have that thing that you've been fighting for in your life? What would you do instead? There is always that moment where you need to weigh up the pros and cons of taking a certain action....and whilst you realise that you may suffer financially, emotionally or physically, is it better in the long run for your own happiness?
You see those quotes all the time online asking you whether you'd rather be rich and unhappy, or poor and happy.
It's a difficult question to answer. It is. The ideal would be to go for the latter, but in this day and age....practicality needs to come into it.
Today I spent a lot of time talking about work/life balance. There are three main areas in life; work, relationships and health. I was told today that if one of them is going like shit, then you better hope the others are going well. If you don't have some kind of balance, then you're screwed.
So what happens if more than one of those areas is going wrong? Does that mean you are humoungously screwed instead of just being screwed?
One of those areas, I'm working to fix now. I'm doing everything I can to fix it and I know I will be insanely happier when I start to see return on my efforts.
One of those areas I'm ready to give up on. I've given it time. I've tried a few different things....and I THINK I'm ready to let go. I just need to run some ideas by someone first. Mind you, that's a bit tough when the person I want to run those ideas by isn't around.
One of those areas I'm getting close to WONDERING if I should give up. But I'm up for one last push. The final push. And then if it doesn't work out, or my feelings about it don't improve, I'm letting go. One final push.
I'm so tired of fighting all the time. Next year is going to be one of big changes because I sure as hell don't fancy another one like this.
Know your worth.
Remember that you deserve to be happy.
Don't let anyone else have the power to make you think otherwise.
xoxo
Click on the link and listen to the lyrics if you haven't already on Facebook.
There is no better song to sum up my mood today than this one.
I had a string of appointments...each progressively worse than the previous one. I decided to stop in Starbucks for a cup of tea, connected to iTunes Radio...and that was the first song that came on.
Now I am DESPERATELY fighting with everything I have not to cry in public.
Don't . Do. It.
Literally, I am so worked up my hands are shaking and I can barely type. What nonsense.
I'm a firm believer in not giving up fighting for something you want. You fight and fight and fight and you do everything that you can to get where you want to be. You deal with all the hurdles, all the setbacks. I've had to fight for everything my whole life....
....but at what point do you give in and admit defeat?
That was the main topic of conversation today.
It's exhausting trying to deal with whole loads of crap in the hope that "in the end" you'll have what you want, or you'll be where you want to be, or a shitty situation would have worked itself out. Nearly all situations involve another person, and when you're fighting for something, the people around you do have some influence in how succssful you're going to be. And when those people surrounding you fail to give you the support, encouragement or whatever else it is you need from there to succeed, you can't help but feel like throwing it all in and giving up.
Then comes the more logical bit.....what would happen if you weren't to have that thing that you've been fighting for in your life? What would you do instead? There is always that moment where you need to weigh up the pros and cons of taking a certain action....and whilst you realise that you may suffer financially, emotionally or physically, is it better in the long run for your own happiness?
You see those quotes all the time online asking you whether you'd rather be rich and unhappy, or poor and happy.
It's a difficult question to answer. It is. The ideal would be to go for the latter, but in this day and age....practicality needs to come into it.
Today I spent a lot of time talking about work/life balance. There are three main areas in life; work, relationships and health. I was told today that if one of them is going like shit, then you better hope the others are going well. If you don't have some kind of balance, then you're screwed.
So what happens if more than one of those areas is going wrong? Does that mean you are humoungously screwed instead of just being screwed?
One of those areas, I'm working to fix now. I'm doing everything I can to fix it and I know I will be insanely happier when I start to see return on my efforts.
One of those areas I'm ready to give up on. I've given it time. I've tried a few different things....and I THINK I'm ready to let go. I just need to run some ideas by someone first. Mind you, that's a bit tough when the person I want to run those ideas by isn't around.
One of those areas I'm getting close to WONDERING if I should give up. But I'm up for one last push. The final push. And then if it doesn't work out, or my feelings about it don't improve, I'm letting go. One final push.
I'm so tired of fighting all the time. Next year is going to be one of big changes because I sure as hell don't fancy another one like this.
Know your worth.
Remember that you deserve to be happy.
Don't let anyone else have the power to make you think otherwise.
xoxo
Sunday 9 November 2014
Mouthgasm
I love food.
I love eating it. I love cooking it. I love looking at it.
Don't you just love it when you fall in love with a new restaurant? One of the most amazing things about Tokyo is that there are so many places to eat....around 88,000 actually!! I was in Ostrea in Roppongi last night - a restaurant famous for divine oysters.
It's a cute joint...I've seen it so many times before from the other side of the road while I've been walking to Roppongi Hills, so it was nice to finally go in and check it out.
OH.MY.GOD
That place has literally gone onto my list of faves and that is easily one of my favourite menus. I am making it a personal mission to have tried everything on that menu within the next 6 months. There's literally nothing on it I wouldn't eat. I had a bit of a priceless moment when I saw the waiter's face as I was ordering. I opened the menu to the baked oysters page and ordered one of everything on the page.
Waiter: "That's 9 oysters"
Me: Yes, I know.
Waiter: Most people order 2 or 3.
Me: I'm hungry.
Waiter: OK, thank you very much.
Me: No, wait! I haven't finished. Can I have the foie gras, Caesar salad and cheese risotto as well, please.
Waiter: Are you going to share?
Me: **blushing furiously as I look over at my companions** Ummmm.....no?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Luckily one of the people I was with knows me well enough to know that when I'm hungry, I'm just a complete pig. I did end up sharing a bit of the risotto, but I completely destroyed the rest. The oysters were just spectacular. And I completely ignored the strange looks I was getting making 'O' noises with every mouthful.
Soooooo delicious. And it was all washed down with a couple glasses of champagne.
Perfect.
I can't even begin to tell you how much I enjoyed dinner. It wasn't the ambience or the company...it was the friggin FOOD. I just smiled my way through the whole thing and had a great time!
After dinner, we headed to Nishi-Azabu, where I was introduced to another hidden gem.
Such a cool, funky little joint with divine champagne and rum. And whiskey, if you're into that. I just loved watching the bartender at work - he was a really cool guy and super fun to talk to. Unlike the people I was with. LOL.
The conversation turned to these guys cheating on their wives. The whole time they were talking, with every single word, all I could think was that this is EXACTLY what I was blogging about. This is EXACTLY what I mean. Two more to add to the list.
Before I knew what was happening, the words were out my mouth.
"You're a f****** pig".
Oh f***.
This was def someone that I should NOT have been speaking to like that. I just froze. You know what he did?
He snorted like a pig, laughed, and then said:
"All men are, Jade. All men are."
*sigh*
There must be someone out there with honourable intentions! How depressing.
I won't even tell you where I left my companions before I just decided to jump in a cab home.
Apart from the last part, I had a great time. And now I have two more fabulous places to go...and take someone special.
xoxo
I love eating it. I love cooking it. I love looking at it.
Don't you just love it when you fall in love with a new restaurant? One of the most amazing things about Tokyo is that there are so many places to eat....around 88,000 actually!! I was in Ostrea in Roppongi last night - a restaurant famous for divine oysters.
It's a cute joint...I've seen it so many times before from the other side of the road while I've been walking to Roppongi Hills, so it was nice to finally go in and check it out.
OH.MY.GOD
That place has literally gone onto my list of faves and that is easily one of my favourite menus. I am making it a personal mission to have tried everything on that menu within the next 6 months. There's literally nothing on it I wouldn't eat. I had a bit of a priceless moment when I saw the waiter's face as I was ordering. I opened the menu to the baked oysters page and ordered one of everything on the page.
Waiter: "That's 9 oysters"
Me: Yes, I know.
Waiter: Most people order 2 or 3.
Me: I'm hungry.
Waiter: OK, thank you very much.
Me: No, wait! I haven't finished. Can I have the foie gras, Caesar salad and cheese risotto as well, please.
Waiter: Are you going to share?
Me: **blushing furiously as I look over at my companions** Ummmm.....no?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Luckily one of the people I was with knows me well enough to know that when I'm hungry, I'm just a complete pig. I did end up sharing a bit of the risotto, but I completely destroyed the rest. The oysters were just spectacular. And I completely ignored the strange looks I was getting making 'O' noises with every mouthful.
Soooooo delicious. And it was all washed down with a couple glasses of champagne.
Perfect.
I can't even begin to tell you how much I enjoyed dinner. It wasn't the ambience or the company...it was the friggin FOOD. I just smiled my way through the whole thing and had a great time!
After dinner, we headed to Nishi-Azabu, where I was introduced to another hidden gem.
Such a cool, funky little joint with divine champagne and rum. And whiskey, if you're into that. I just loved watching the bartender at work - he was a really cool guy and super fun to talk to. Unlike the people I was with. LOL.
The conversation turned to these guys cheating on their wives. The whole time they were talking, with every single word, all I could think was that this is EXACTLY what I was blogging about. This is EXACTLY what I mean. Two more to add to the list.
Before I knew what was happening, the words were out my mouth.
"You're a f****** pig".
Oh f***.
This was def someone that I should NOT have been speaking to like that. I just froze. You know what he did?
He snorted like a pig, laughed, and then said:
"All men are, Jade. All men are."
*sigh*
There must be someone out there with honourable intentions! How depressing.
I won't even tell you where I left my companions before I just decided to jump in a cab home.
Apart from the last part, I had a great time. And now I have two more fabulous places to go...and take someone special.
xoxo
Saturday 8 November 2014
What A Response!
My goodness me - what a response to my last post!
When I wrote that post on monogamy, I was literally going on a rant. I never in a milion years expected such an overwhelming response!! Line messages, email messages and my inbox on FB was inundated with messages from women who have been through the hell of finding out their men have been fooling around online, from men who have been hurt by women doing the same thing, and also by men trying to justify why they do it, as well as people who also just wanted to voice their disgust at how the internet has made cheating even easier.
Now let me clear a few things up.
I was never just attacking men. If you read the post properly, I made it clear that I was also talking about women. The use of the word "people" was a deliberate choice as to not only target men in my rant. Anyone who behaves like that is disgusting.
I'm pretty sure the reason some people were getting so het up about it is because they could relate - they are one of those people that I'm talking about. They are one of those people who are disrespecting their partners and hurting them out of greed and selfishness. Awful. If you claim to love someone, then you need to make sure your partner feels it. Words aren't enough...and mean nothing when your actions are the opposite. If this is you, then do the decent thing and break up with your partner. Give them the chance to be happy with someone who actually deserves their loyalty and love.
Secondly, NO! The woman that I am talking about in my post IS NOT ME! LOL - what are you on?!?! That would be hypocrisy at it's finest!
Thirdly, NO! I am not claiming to be an angel. I have a past. But that's the past and I have gotten my comeuppance. And I would never do that to someone I claimed to be in love with. End of. Cheating on someone that you had been dating for like a week is hardly the same. Some might say cheating is cheating...but if you behave like that and hurt someone that you claim to love, have been with for years and were building a future together with...it's far more heartbreaking, more painful and far worse. Sorry. That trust is going to take a LONG time to get back....if it comes back at all.
Fourthly, thank you to those who shared your own experiences with me. They all sound horrible and pulled on my heartstrings. A few even brought tears to my eyes. How people can treat such wonderfully good natured people like that is just mindblowing. Good luck to those of you who had the strength to walk away....and even more good luck to those of you who made the decision to forgive and work it out. The fear that it will happen again can consume you....I hope the trust does come back. Keep me posted!
Lastly, that post was just a rant, but there is a message in there for anyone who has cheated, is cheating right now, or is even thinking about cheating.
Don't do it. If that's where you are, walk away from your relationship. It's not fair to intentionally inflict that kind of pain onto someone. If you decide to go down that path, don't get mad when you get caught and don't expect to be forgiven. It takes an extremely generous (or stupid, in some cases) person to forgive infidelity....but bear in mind, a second chance is a gift....you don't deserve any more than that. Take it to show your partner just HOW sorry you are and that you will do whatever you need to to fix it.
Show your partner the respect and loyalty they deserve.
LOL - this topic gets me so worked up!!!!!
xoxo
When I wrote that post on monogamy, I was literally going on a rant. I never in a milion years expected such an overwhelming response!! Line messages, email messages and my inbox on FB was inundated with messages from women who have been through the hell of finding out their men have been fooling around online, from men who have been hurt by women doing the same thing, and also by men trying to justify why they do it, as well as people who also just wanted to voice their disgust at how the internet has made cheating even easier.
Now let me clear a few things up.
I was never just attacking men. If you read the post properly, I made it clear that I was also talking about women. The use of the word "people" was a deliberate choice as to not only target men in my rant. Anyone who behaves like that is disgusting.
I'm pretty sure the reason some people were getting so het up about it is because they could relate - they are one of those people that I'm talking about. They are one of those people who are disrespecting their partners and hurting them out of greed and selfishness. Awful. If you claim to love someone, then you need to make sure your partner feels it. Words aren't enough...and mean nothing when your actions are the opposite. If this is you, then do the decent thing and break up with your partner. Give them the chance to be happy with someone who actually deserves their loyalty and love.
Secondly, NO! The woman that I am talking about in my post IS NOT ME! LOL - what are you on?!?! That would be hypocrisy at it's finest!
Thirdly, NO! I am not claiming to be an angel. I have a past. But that's the past and I have gotten my comeuppance. And I would never do that to someone I claimed to be in love with. End of. Cheating on someone that you had been dating for like a week is hardly the same. Some might say cheating is cheating...but if you behave like that and hurt someone that you claim to love, have been with for years and were building a future together with...it's far more heartbreaking, more painful and far worse. Sorry. That trust is going to take a LONG time to get back....if it comes back at all.
Fourthly, thank you to those who shared your own experiences with me. They all sound horrible and pulled on my heartstrings. A few even brought tears to my eyes. How people can treat such wonderfully good natured people like that is just mindblowing. Good luck to those of you who had the strength to walk away....and even more good luck to those of you who made the decision to forgive and work it out. The fear that it will happen again can consume you....I hope the trust does come back. Keep me posted!
Lastly, that post was just a rant, but there is a message in there for anyone who has cheated, is cheating right now, or is even thinking about cheating.
Don't do it. If that's where you are, walk away from your relationship. It's not fair to intentionally inflict that kind of pain onto someone. If you decide to go down that path, don't get mad when you get caught and don't expect to be forgiven. It takes an extremely generous (or stupid, in some cases) person to forgive infidelity....but bear in mind, a second chance is a gift....you don't deserve any more than that. Take it to show your partner just HOW sorry you are and that you will do whatever you need to to fix it.
Show your partner the respect and loyalty they deserve.
LOL - this topic gets me so worked up!!!!!
xoxo
Thursday 6 November 2014
Monogamy
Pron. /məˈnɒɡəmi/.
"The practice or state of having a sexual relationship with only one partner".
Why am I talking about this?
I'm not joking - I have seriously lost faith in mankind!!!!!!
Over the last year or so, I have found myself surrounded by serial cheaters, compulsive liars and just complete arseholes who have literally ZERO respect for their partners. Friends, friends of friends, acquaintances, strangers who are just way too liberal with the information they choose to share with you. That number seems to be increasing every day.
With the internet and smartphone applications, it's WAAAAYYYYYY too easy to cheat. And with the increasing number of passcode protected private browsing apps, getting away with it is also becoming easier.
Hearing stories from people around me, out of curiosity I started to do a bit of research online. The first, most alarming thing was the sheer NUMBER of online dating sites and apps. There are effing LOADS of them! And then I just felt sad as I scrolled through and saw that there are sites specifically for married people or people in relationships.
WTF man.
That's disgusting.
And I find it quite upsetting, just because the existence of things like this provide unnecessary temptation. I've already heard it - I was in the hairdresser last weekend listening to five men talking about cheating on their wives and girlfriends.
"I was just looking out of curiosity".
"Then I started talking to this girl".
"We exchanged phone numbers and went on a date".
"Now we hook up once a week for a bit of harmless fun".
No such thing as harmless fun like that when you're attached, love. Jesus.
Wow.
Do people not understand the meaning of loyalty anymore?
You don't look at this s*** "out of curiosity" or "just to see what's out there" if you claim to be madly in love and happy. By their own admission (in the end), there's only one reason they were looking at these kinds of websites...and it was definitely with the intention of playing about. Once you start on this path...I dunno...you're not with the right person. The second that you start thinking that it's harmless because there's no way your partner will find out....well, that's the end of the road isn't it. Be kind to your partner and let them go because they don't deserve to be on the receiving end of such disrespect and bulls***.
I think it's really hurtful to think your partner will cheat because they think you won't find out. The fact that people are cheating in the first place shows something needs to be fixed - whether it's the relationship of the person themselves. People choose the easy option and try and have their cake and eat it. In some circumstances there may be good reasons for cheating (that sounds ridiculous), but from the people around me, it seems to be purely a matter of greed, selfishness, and a complete under-appreciation of what people have; complete disrespect for their partners.
Let me be clear - I'm not just talking about men cheating on women. I have a female friend who's behaving just as appallingly. She caught her man cheating, decided to forgive him, and is now cheating herself as a way of "protecting herself" (her words) from the pain of getting hurt again.
Hmmmm. Not sure how that works.
Her man is away on business A LOT. Every time he leaves, she's back online, screwing away for one or two weeks, and then deleting all the evidence when he comes back. Every time.
Heard that story a few times. My question to her was "How do you know he's not doing the exact same thing?" My question to all the men in the hairdressers is "How do you know your wives and girlfriends aren't doing the exact same thing?" All it would require is deleting all the evidence and no one would be any the wiser. You can ask your partner to show you their phone or their history - but you're not gonna find anything there because 99.9% of the time, anything incriminating would have been deleted. So how the hell are you supposed to know whether someone is telling you the truth?
How the hell are you supposed to trust anyone these days when people are thinking like this?
The sad thing?
I know at least 3 people who behave like this. It's so upsetting because it just makes you realise that people who carry on like this are just impossible to trust. Once they've been caught, it takes so much to earn that trust back. It can be done, but I think most people don't have the patience required to help their partner through it.
Why wouldn't you want your partner to trust you? These people cheat and then complain when their partners are always suspicious of what they're doing and who they're talking to.
Well, duh.
You've done it once and your partner is petrified you're going to do it again. It's that simple. And from what I've seen and heard, they're STILL doing it - they're just being more careful now. How are your partners supposed to trust you when you don't show them that they can?! Intuition is a dangerous thing.
It's just disgusting. People are pigs. Why don't people respect their partners anymore? Why do people intentionally choose to do something that they know would hurt their partners f they found out? The stories I read online were just SHOCKING.
Thing is, people don't think that they're going to get caught, and that's the problem. Pure selfishness and disrespect. Taking advantage of their partners' trust.
I don't care if this reads as judgemental. For the most part, it is. I know every relationship isn't as black and white as that, but I'm only going from what I've been told from the people around me, and what I've read online. So don't judge me for judging! LOL!
I've been on both sides of the table. And I learnt the hard way. I just don't think it should be too much to ask for partners to actually give a f*** about each other enough to be faithful. A friend of mine had this quote on his Instagram page:
"You can make excuses, or you can make it happen. Both can't happen at the same time. In the end, it will all work out the way it was supposed to".
At the end of the day, if someone has f***** and they still want to be with that person, then they have to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to win that trust back. Suck it up. Bear the tears and the anger and the suspicion and the frustration. People may get annoyed, but at the end of the day, they need to remember that they are the ones who did this. It is their actions that did this. Take responsibility for it, deal with it and move on. That period of crap that I assume most couples go through once one partner has cheated, is a test of how badly both people want to work it out.
Respect, honesty and loyalty.
All slowly disappearing in this day and age.
Tragic.
Goodness me, people are just AWFUL!
That's my rant over! LOL!
xoxo
"The practice or state of having a sexual relationship with only one partner".
Why am I talking about this?
I'm not joking - I have seriously lost faith in mankind!!!!!!
Over the last year or so, I have found myself surrounded by serial cheaters, compulsive liars and just complete arseholes who have literally ZERO respect for their partners. Friends, friends of friends, acquaintances, strangers who are just way too liberal with the information they choose to share with you. That number seems to be increasing every day.
With the internet and smartphone applications, it's WAAAAYYYYYY too easy to cheat. And with the increasing number of passcode protected private browsing apps, getting away with it is also becoming easier.
Hearing stories from people around me, out of curiosity I started to do a bit of research online. The first, most alarming thing was the sheer NUMBER of online dating sites and apps. There are effing LOADS of them! And then I just felt sad as I scrolled through and saw that there are sites specifically for married people or people in relationships.
WTF man.
That's disgusting.
And I find it quite upsetting, just because the existence of things like this provide unnecessary temptation. I've already heard it - I was in the hairdresser last weekend listening to five men talking about cheating on their wives and girlfriends.
"I was just looking out of curiosity".
"Then I started talking to this girl".
"We exchanged phone numbers and went on a date".
"Now we hook up once a week for a bit of harmless fun".
No such thing as harmless fun like that when you're attached, love. Jesus.
Wow.
Do people not understand the meaning of loyalty anymore?
You don't look at this s*** "out of curiosity" or "just to see what's out there" if you claim to be madly in love and happy. By their own admission (in the end), there's only one reason they were looking at these kinds of websites...and it was definitely with the intention of playing about. Once you start on this path...I dunno...you're not with the right person. The second that you start thinking that it's harmless because there's no way your partner will find out....well, that's the end of the road isn't it. Be kind to your partner and let them go because they don't deserve to be on the receiving end of such disrespect and bulls***.
I think it's really hurtful to think your partner will cheat because they think you won't find out. The fact that people are cheating in the first place shows something needs to be fixed - whether it's the relationship of the person themselves. People choose the easy option and try and have their cake and eat it. In some circumstances there may be good reasons for cheating (that sounds ridiculous), but from the people around me, it seems to be purely a matter of greed, selfishness, and a complete under-appreciation of what people have; complete disrespect for their partners.
Let me be clear - I'm not just talking about men cheating on women. I have a female friend who's behaving just as appallingly. She caught her man cheating, decided to forgive him, and is now cheating herself as a way of "protecting herself" (her words) from the pain of getting hurt again.
Hmmmm. Not sure how that works.
Her man is away on business A LOT. Every time he leaves, she's back online, screwing away for one or two weeks, and then deleting all the evidence when he comes back. Every time.
Heard that story a few times. My question to her was "How do you know he's not doing the exact same thing?" My question to all the men in the hairdressers is "How do you know your wives and girlfriends aren't doing the exact same thing?" All it would require is deleting all the evidence and no one would be any the wiser. You can ask your partner to show you their phone or their history - but you're not gonna find anything there because 99.9% of the time, anything incriminating would have been deleted. So how the hell are you supposed to know whether someone is telling you the truth?
How the hell are you supposed to trust anyone these days when people are thinking like this?
The sad thing?
I know at least 3 people who behave like this. It's so upsetting because it just makes you realise that people who carry on like this are just impossible to trust. Once they've been caught, it takes so much to earn that trust back. It can be done, but I think most people don't have the patience required to help their partner through it.
Why wouldn't you want your partner to trust you? These people cheat and then complain when their partners are always suspicious of what they're doing and who they're talking to.
Well, duh.
You've done it once and your partner is petrified you're going to do it again. It's that simple. And from what I've seen and heard, they're STILL doing it - they're just being more careful now. How are your partners supposed to trust you when you don't show them that they can?! Intuition is a dangerous thing.
It's just disgusting. People are pigs. Why don't people respect their partners anymore? Why do people intentionally choose to do something that they know would hurt their partners f they found out? The stories I read online were just SHOCKING.
Thing is, people don't think that they're going to get caught, and that's the problem. Pure selfishness and disrespect. Taking advantage of their partners' trust.
I don't care if this reads as judgemental. For the most part, it is. I know every relationship isn't as black and white as that, but I'm only going from what I've been told from the people around me, and what I've read online. So don't judge me for judging! LOL!
I've been on both sides of the table. And I learnt the hard way. I just don't think it should be too much to ask for partners to actually give a f*** about each other enough to be faithful. A friend of mine had this quote on his Instagram page:
"You can make excuses, or you can make it happen. Both can't happen at the same time. In the end, it will all work out the way it was supposed to".
At the end of the day, if someone has f***** and they still want to be with that person, then they have to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to win that trust back. Suck it up. Bear the tears and the anger and the suspicion and the frustration. People may get annoyed, but at the end of the day, they need to remember that they are the ones who did this. It is their actions that did this. Take responsibility for it, deal with it and move on. That period of crap that I assume most couples go through once one partner has cheated, is a test of how badly both people want to work it out.
Respect, honesty and loyalty.
All slowly disappearing in this day and age.
Tragic.
Goodness me, people are just AWFUL!
That's my rant over! LOL!
xoxo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
