Keep It In The Past?

You know ages ago I told you about the girl that used to be my best friend that I fell out with 4 years ago?

I've just gotten back from seeing her.

It was weird. The whole time I was with her I felt guarded. I let her talk about her life while revealing the bare minimum about my own - purely for the reason that we so badly hurt each other back then that I opening up meant letting her back in again and I wasn't sure that I was ready to do that.

We spoke so long about other things and avoided the more serious conversation about the reasons why we fell out in the first place. Her memory of that night is so crystal clear, whereas my is so vague. She was mentioning things that I just couldn't recall - it was actually a little bit embarrassing not to remember things that were actually really important. I dunno.

We were both wrong. We both apologised. Now what?

So much time has passed and so much has changed. We both acknowledge that we can never go back - we're not even sure that we could even be friends again. In my mind rebuilding a friendship needs to be physical - you actually need to spend time together in order to build up that trust. Which is a bit difficult considering that we live on opposite sides of the world.

It was really hard to hear her say that our friendship wasn't where we thought it was. I understand completely and to an extent I agree. I wouldn't have done what I did and she wouldn't have done what she did it it was as strong as we thought it was but it kinda sounds like it wasn't real and that is DEFINITELY not the case. I really hope that she doesn't believe that either.

Whether anything comes of meeting up tonight or not still remains to be seen, but I guess the main thing is that we've talked and cleared the air. I'm just not sure what to make of the whole thing to be honest. Makes me think that we should have spent more time talking about it instead of everything else.

xoxo