New Starts

I know I say this at the end of every year, but this time it's different.

And I know I say that every times as well, but this time, it really is!

LOL!

I know I said I was going to start blogging again a couple of months ago...but as usual, something happened that spun everything on its head AGAIN, and I haven't been able to talk about it.

But finally, FINALLY, I can slowly feel myself truly healing, getting stronger, getting fitter, and my eyes open up more and more each day. 

It hasn't been easy...hell, nooooooo it hasn't, BUT my bs radar is on full alert, and I have decided to stop second guessing my gut.

Your gut feeling is always right. That's something that has been proven to me in the past. Other people try to pass it off as paranoia or insecurity when confronted with it, but the actual fact is...that gut feeling will nearly always turn out to be right.

And as the year is coming to a close, my biggest hope for next year is simple.

NO. MORE. DRAMA.

I'm biting the bullet and making some big, big changes next year. No more excuses, no more procrastinating - it's time to do stuff for ME. This time last year, I was not expecting to be here. I was making decisions based on someone else's plans (even though I knew deep down that was the wrong thing to do), and it was that decision which held me back from doing a whole load of stuff I wanted to do.

I am not going to make the same mistakes again. I learnt my lesson the hard way and it came with an incredible amount of heartache and pain, that took a long time to let go. And every time I managed to take those baby steps forward, something happened and I was right back where I started.

I don't want to be always looking for the worst in people, but when people behave the way that they do, it's hard not to. And that's a terrible quality to have. I know I'm guarded, but in time, I'm sure I will let it down again. 

In the meantime, 2016 is going to be an incredible year of travel. And you know that nothing makes me happier than that. 

On a completely different note, I am having the biggest wardrobe clearout ever. I have so many clothes that I bought years ago that still have the damn label on! And no matter how gorgeous I think they are, if I haven't worn them in the last 2 years, it's very unlikely I'm going to! So I'm taking them back to the UK and taking them to charity. 

Loving the extra wardrobe space I have right now! Perfect timing - Boxing Day sales are beckoning!

xoxo

Yawn!

Ufffff.

This being frugal lark is getting seriously boring.

I haven't done anything this weekend except go to the gym.

Seriously - apart from that and taking the rubbish out today, I haven't left the house. I've stayed in, done laundry and watched copious amounts of TV, spent hours looking at flights and hotels, sorting through emails and deleting pictures.

I guess it has been productive, but after spending months going out all weekend, it feels weird. Although my wallet is definitely thanking me for it. I was spending a fortune on lunches and dinners and drinks - now money is only going on commuting and food from the supermarket. That used to be expensive too, but now that I've become a smarter shopping, I've finding a lot of ways to save cash there, too!

My credit card beating, however, has continued. 

And I have just booked another flight.

Off to the States next month!

LOL - I'm so used to shoving everything on a debit card, that I sometimes forget that all these flights and hotels still need to be paid for! I'm sitting here thinking that all I need to do now is save for spending money, but actually, I need to pay for the whole trip! LOL! 

Good thing I am being so frugal then!

Definitely going to be working my arse off for the next 6 months, that's for sure. If anyone needs a business English tutor, let me know!!!! HAHA!

On a completely different note, how are you supposed to get rid of that flabby bit at the bottom of a six pack?! The top part of my abs are getting pretty defined and then it's just like this round gut. My friend told me I would have to start eating better to get rid of it....

....so I guess it's staying! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

xoxo

Confusion

Arrrgggghhhhhhh!!!!

It is so frustrating that when you have a situation straightened out, it takes one thing to turn everything on its head again.

And to say that I have been left feeling somewhat confused is an understatement.

OK, I guess confused is the wrong word. No, no - actually confused is definitely the right word.

Confused. Anxious. Nervous. Fearful. Hopeful. Happy. Relieved.

LOL! I sound like a nutter! 

It's just been a bit of an insane 3 weeks. But I think things just finally might be falling into place, and I'm starting to figure things out.

Someone told me that you have to stop holding onto fear and just let go. Let it happen. But stay strong, keep your guard up and protect yourself.

How are you supposed to do all of that at the same time?!

The next 6 months - 1 year are going to be everything. Everything.

I can't explain why in detail yet, but it's all super exciting!

My trip to Africa is taking its beautiful shape, and I am so effing pumped for it! It has broken the bank, but you should never apologise for doing something on your bucket list. And seeing an African sunset?! It's going to be so effing special, I can barely contain my excitement! And to be able to share it with someone who has been one of my rocks over the last year will make it even more special, and amazing, and exciting, and fun!

I've also just booked my flight to....

....the M**********N' BAHAMAS!!!!

Woop woop woop!

I can't even begin to explain how excited I am for that either! It's just going to be insane. And I'm excited to catch up with my girl in LA who will be meeting me there as well! Yay! 

It's going to be an epic start to the new year! Next year HAS to be my year! Because I want a better one that this one. And a better one than last year. 

I deserve it.

And I'm going to make it happen.

xoxo

Short Lived!

Lesson learnt!

Be very, very careful who you decide to let into your life!

It's incredible how some people can seem so genuine...only for you to find out that they are pathological liars! 

Why some people feel the need to lie about...well...everything, is beyond me!

Why bother? Is your real life that dull that you have nothing else to do except try and make yourself look better by belittling someone else?

When I saw this kind of behaviour in the two women I recently let into my life, it sent the alarm bells ringing. So I decided to do a little investigating of my own, and it turns out that my gut feeling was right.

Lies. So many lies.

And then it also opened my eyes, that when you have a gut feeling about something or someone, you really should listen to it. I was led to believe a load of crap, and through listening to my own gut feeling, I was also shown a lot of home truths. I found out reasons for things that I hadn't been able to understand before. I found out that I had gotten a particular situation completely wrong. 

When I realised the latter point, I decided to hear the story out. I'm not a spiteful person - if someone wants to apologise for wrongdoings and offer and explanation as to why those wrongdoings happened, I will hear them out.

And I'm glad I did. Harbouring negative feelings is exhausting, and I hadn't realised that I was still harbouring so much resentment towards someone. Now that I have heard what I believe to be the truth, that resentment is slowly dissolving, and I can look back and smile. 

Last month was crazy, honestly! Some people can be so petty and spiteful. The extent to which some people go to try and get answers...or to do whatever it is they were trying to do...is crazy! I found myself getting dragged into something that was absolutely nothing to do with me, and although I tried to stay out of it, it seemed to happen anyway. 

Curiosity has always been a weak point of mine!

I'm not going to lie, though, although I did get dragged into a very messy situation, something good has come out of it! 

Finding the light at the end of the tunnel.

And feeling happy.

xoxo

Don't Wait

This has been a week of not getting enough sleep...and sheer excitement.

Recently, two women have walked into my life. The circumstances in which they have done so are unfortunate, to say the least, and I did try and ignore their presence for a while and carry on as I have been.

However, I let them in and I am so glad I did! With the barrage of information that I have been receiving this week, I have embraced their positivity and am feeling stronger, happier and more determined to live life as I want to than ever! Things do happen for a reason and the ups and downs that we go through in life shape who we become. The things that have come to light have just made EVERYTHING so much easier to walk away from. It doesn't matter that I already had - with what I know now, looking back isn't even worth THINKING about. 

I may not have been to the gym for a week and a half because my body is exhausted...but that's OK because I have been keeping busy and processing this new information that has been made available to me.

I may not have liked what I heard - it might have floored me because I was so stunned, BUT it has made me realise more than ever, that taking back control and doing what I want to do is the only way forward now. 

I've completely let go and all I can do now is smile about it - not because it happened, but because I have dodged one hell of a bullet! And so have they!

I've been seeing a whole load of quotes on Instagram and Pinterest recently. You know I love Mark Twain and seeing his quote that I posted on Facebook....I stopped talking and took action.

Last night I booked my flight to....

...AFRICAAAAAAAAAAA!!

Whoop whoop!

3 weeks from mid-Dec to January.

Don't worry - I'll be passing through London for a week! Have to get my yearly shop in!

It is financially crippling. But if you look at the latest thing I posted on FB...I don't care. Should I be saving? Probably. But I don't have dependants, I don't have a husband, I don't have copious amounts of debt. It's just me. I only have to take care of myself. And my attitude right now?

Money can be made back.

Who cares how much it costs! I'll just work my arse off! There is still so much of the world that I want to see and the one thing that has been missing from my life for the last 18 months has been travel. You know it is one of the most important things for me, and  for the last year and half I gave it up and settled in a situation that just made me unhappy.

ANYONE I be with...anyone I choose to date has to be willing to travel the world with me. I nearly trapped myself before and am not going to do it again. 

So I'm travelling.

Don't wait. Just do it. While you can. I do not want to be on my deathbed wishing that I had taken more risks, that I had travelled more, that I hadn't worried so much about saving. That's not going to be me.

I am so effing excited!!!!!!! This is going to go down as one of my trips of a lifetime for sure!

xoxo

Dodgy Moods

I have been feeling super weird today....and I have absolutely no idea why!

I had a great weekend (a little bit wilder than I had planned, but still), and spent all yesterday chilling at home.

So when I woke up this morning, I was surprised to be feeling...

...antsy, irritated, extremely pissed off, anxious...

And on top of that, I felt like something was really, really wrong.

Yet still, at nearly 10.30pm, I have no idea what's wrong. I had a pretty easy day, I'm slowly trying to get back into the gym and stretch out this groin injury, work was fine, I didn't have any run ins with anyone or any bad clients.

So why am I feeling like this?

On Friday, I got an email from someone I really didn't wanna be receiving one from, but I just didn't reply and let that go. But now I'm wondering if that's what's put me in this mood. Like a delayed reaction or something. 

I dunno.

But it's been annoying. Especially when I have no reason to be feeling like this. Naturally the rain doesn't help either. But still..

It's weird! LOL!

Moving ON

LOL! 

After a 5 month break, I can finally start blogging again.

I just read the last post, and basically the situation has been the same.

I simply haven't been able to talk about what's been going on.

But now, after months and months of emotional torture, I am finally free.

Free, happy and moving forward.

Never underestimate the power of running away! LOL!

When this chapter finally came to a complete final close a couple of weeks ago, I decided to run away for the weekend to just get in a change of scene. To spend some time by myself and work out what my next step is going to be.

Wow - despite getting caught up in a typhoon, I came back to Tokyo with a clear head, feeling rested and grinning from ear to ear. Although I'm sure the little surprise I had in Okinawa had something to do with that! ;-)

And now I am just looking forward to the rest of the year, and spending time doing the things that I want to do, free of drama, arguments and bulls***.

I have made a promise to myself that what I've just been through will never happen to me again. Time to start treating myself a hell of a lot better.

Feeling good!

xoxo

Come ON!

I know, I know. After promising myself that I would blog way more frequently this year, I haven't.

And it's not because I've been lazy, or I didn't want to. Believe me -  wanted to.

It's just that I can't really talk about what's going on right now. 

I haven't had quite the start I wanted this year. Stress from last year has rolled over and the emotional rollercoaster of life has continued, even though I promised myself I wouldn't let it.

Ergh!

I've been bombarding my FB and Instagram pages with pictures of food and workout updates. I'm not gonna lie - I would love to post gym selfies, but we all know how we feel when we see them! HAHAHA! I'm really pleased with the progress I'm making on a summer body - looking forward to getting to the beach and tanned! That can't come soon enough to be honest.

Anyway, I wanted to post because literally, I think I'm losing faith in mankind again!

I've just finished watching the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy and seriously, I realised that most of the shows I watch involve some level of cheating. Cheating, lying, deceiving, manipulating....you name it, it's there. I don't know why I get so involved in TV shows, but I do. It isn't just a show when real life seems to be like that as well! I think everyone can relate somehow to what they see on TV. But I just feel so sad that there seems to be so few good people in the world now!!!! 

Ufffff....does fidelity even exist anymore?!

I often get told that just because I give so much to others, I shouldn't expect people to behave in the same way. I shouldn't, but somehow, I still do. It's like having that blind faith to believe that everyone has a good heart deep down. But actually, not everyone does! LOL! I don't know if I'm even capable of learning that lesson. I'm always rooting for people and hoping that one day I will be proved right - that there is good intent deep down - but more often than not, that never happens and it's something I just wish I would learn!

xoxo

Determination and Motivation

After working early this morning, I found myself in the gym at 9am. 

That turned into a 2.5 hour workout session.

Why?

Just because I had time to burn before my next gig.

And it felt AMAZING. I'm still at that point where I am trying to work out my body's limits, and whilst I did push today, I know I can push harder. I just didn't want to overdo it and leave myself crippled for days! LOL!

I see people's fitness pics all the time on FB. What's really inspiring is how women are moving from just doing cardio to lose weight, to lifting in order to be strong. Over the last couple of years, strong has definitely become the new sexy and that is the direction I want to take myself in. Everyone looks fantastic and healthy and sexy, and a bit of extra muscle is never a bad thing if you need to box someone in the face!

I don't have the time to spend that long in the gym everyday, but I definitely want to be hitting at least 3 days a week of substantial weight training, on top of the aerobics classes I want to go to. My gym membership is so expensive, and for years, I have been throwing that money away by not going....that definitely needs to change this year.

I just wish I had a workout buddy! I remember when I was in Kyushu, my girl and I always went to the gym together, and we ended up going like 3 or 4 times a week. That was a nice routine. Hopefully I can get back into that again! Meanwhile, if anyone out there is going to Tipness, hit me up!

On a completely different note, I went on an impromptu trip to Okinawa last weekend. It was weird going there and not seeing the people I usually see when I head down there. I'd never been there in this season either, so that a bit different as well. One thing's for sure, memories came flooding back and it made me wish my friends were still there.

The weekend definitely went in a different direction than I was expecting. It was this crazy mix of emotions, and to say that I was left completely confused is an understatement. I don't know how else to describe it!

Regardless, I loved getting away for the weekend. I'm not going to be able to go far every month, but just to get out of Tokyo and be in different surroundings is just such a nice change. I didn't have it last year. And this year is definitely the year when I'm going to be making some major changes. Some are scary, some are not. Some will cause pain, others will cause happiness. 

The number one thing for me right now, is to work on myself and what's important to me. 

xoxo

Back In The Gym

It's been less than a week since I've been back, but I can't tell you how much happier I am with the changes I've been making.

I don't know how everything will work out in the long run, but for now, I'm smiling. 

I went back to the gym for the first time this year this afternoon. From November, I changed my membership so that I could go to any branch of my gym, but I hadn't really had a chance to take full advantage of it before because I was stuck where I was during the day.

Now that I am more flexible, I was able to take a few hours out to try a different aqua class. And I LOVED it! It was nice to be with a different instructor, different pool, different vibe. It was also much tougher than some of the other aqua sessions that I'd been to....or maybe that was the result of not having worked out for a couple of weeks. LOL!

Whatever the reason, it felt so good to be working out again. I did get a bit of a shock when I stepped on the scales, but I will still do what I can to put another few kilos back on. Probably the complete opposite to most other people's resolutions! HAHAHA! Now I just need to do a mammoth supermarket shop so that I can start making lunch and see if I can cut down how much money I'm spending during the day.

Need to save that money so that I can travel! (*^_^*)

I'm really looking forward to seeing how the rest of the month pans out.

xoxo

Positive Thinking

OK, so I didn't get quite the start to the new year that I was looking for.

=(

BUT, I have decided to step on it sharp, and am trying to turn it around ASAP. I've spent a lot of time over the last couple of days looking at my schedule and making changes and plans. 

I've only been back in Japan for a couple of days, but I already feel so much happier about my work situation. Working for myself seems to have made such a big difference on my work/life balance. I'm doing my job and then leaving. No sitting around with dead time, no having to wait until the end of the day to leave even though I've finished everything that I needed to do for the day...none of that. The biggest thing really is not having the dead time. I start working, am constantly busy, and then I leave. The financial implications of the decision I made don't seem to have been so bad so far...but it's only been a couple of days.  I'll see how that pans out for the rest of the month. The good thing about that is, there is the option to work a little more if I need a bit more cash.

And even if there is any dead time in my schedule, I am going to fill it by going to the gym. I'm really looking forward to getting back into the pool this month, as well as starting a couple of new classes and making progress with the weight training. I haven't been back this year yet, but I'm planning on starting again on Tuesday. It's just nice to have that option RIGHT THERE if I find myself with a quiet day. I don't need to get on the scales to know that I have already put some weight back on. Don't worry - it's a good thing! I'm most definitely not complaining!

I just hate feeling like I'm wasting my time. Especially when I could be doing something more productive - that's kind of how I was feeling towards the end of last year. Just getting home at a reasonable hour has made a difference on my general attitude and feeling. I'm still feeling the jet lag and still need to catch up on sleep, but a good start with this so far.

I'm planning to start the year as I mean to go on. You'll see what I mean later in the week! 

xoxo

Special People

So yesterday, I arrived safe and sound back in Tokyo.

How gorgeous is the weather over here right now?

I've found myself having completely mixed feelings about being back. It's made me reflect a lot on my time in London and the people I managed to see, as well as the people I didn't get round to seeing this time.

I'm going to do something I have never done since I started this blog. 

Naming names. Mainly because it would create an impossibly long FB post, if I tried to say what I wanted to say on there. About the people I saw when I went back home. 

I spent so much time thinking yesterday. Probably too much. The problem with thinking is it can create all these scenarios in your head. And those scenarios are driven by fear. And fear has the power to wholly consume you and make you lose your damn mind. 

What a crappy emotion. 

And what a difficult emotion to try and let go. So much of what we do (or don't do) is governed by fear. I hate it. It's something I would love to change, but I have no idea how to. It's all very well to tell someone to just "let it go", but sometimes it isn't that easy. Any tips are more than welcome. 

First of all, I want to express my massive gratitude to Helen. You have been more than amazing over the last few months and your ear has been invaluable during that time. You have listened and shown nothing but support, even though you may not necessarily agree with my actions, you have shown me through your own experience that you understand and just want the best for me. Thank you so much for being there and listen to me drone on.

Then again, massive thanks to Gareth and Keith. Mainly for the same reason - your ears. I know you don't approve of certain things I'm doing, but know that I do appreciate your tough love and brutal honesty. I have not dismissed what you have told me, or your advice - I have taken it on board and will think about it when making final decisions. Thanks guys.

To my gorgeous sister for being a massive inspiration to get fit and start lifting. And also thanks to her boyfriend, Gareth for being such a positive influence on her...and impressing me with choosing my fave brand of make-up as a Christmas present. Definitely extra brownie points there!

Also, to reconnecting with family. It was such a pleasure to finally meet my Bajan nan and spend time with my aunt and cousins. 

To Sam. You are a shining example how being a young mum does not mean your life is over. You can still chase a successful career, and I am so proud of you! Also to Rhonda, although you are both mothers, I love how you don't judge others based on their differing beliefs to your own. Thank you for your support in that regard - it means a lot. And more importantly, thank you for the HUGE laughs. I miss those a lot.

To my little dumpling, Nancy. May be both be strong and understand what we deserve this year! It was so fantastic to see you just for the afternoon. This holiday is happening! And to Neville and Hardeep for reminding me how AMAZING British banter is! I laughed so hard with you guys I literally couldn't breathe! That was seriously above average wit and one of my favourite nights out while I was back. Jokers - you guys are great!

To Jack. My favourite travel buddy and dear friend. I miss you loads and catching up with you is always one of my favourite things to do. I LOVE how much we laugh! I hope that you can find what you're looking for this year. Xoxo.

To Keiko. You have been a figure of strength and support since the day I met you. I absolutely adored seeing you in my hometown and love how much you and George are loving it! We'll do the cooking next time, ne!

To Darren. One of my besties that I've know for 14 years. Thank you for your constant support and for always listening. BEHAVE YOURSELF THIS YEAR! HAHAHAHAHA!!!

And finally, to Dean. Who is proof that choosing happiness over money can still lead back to money! Congratulations on all your success!

To everyone else I didn't manage to see when I was back, until next time my friends! 

Thanks everyone. Special, special people.

xoxo

Big Belly Laughs

Without a doubt, one of my absolute favourite things of this trip back home has been...

...laughter.

And I'm not just talking about a little giggle. I'm talking about those gigantic, bellowing cackles from the deepest part of the belly.

LOL!

I haven't laughed that much in...months? Years? Nah, let's go with months.

It's seriously what's been missing from my life. Laughter. And the strange thing was when I let out this huge belly laugh, I was like wooooaaaahhhhh that's LOUD. And in combination with my girls' cackles, was enough to turn heads wherever we were. 

So much fun. I've loved it. 

I need to make sure I keep having those big belly laughs when I get back to Japan. It's healthy, it makes you feel good and for a split second, you can forget everything else that has been going on. Just for a split second. 

Made jokes. 

Thank you my lovelies!

xoxo

Happy New Year!

First entry of 2015!

I have decided to be a much better blogger this year - last year just got so hectic and I didn't have time, but since I'm planning on making some seriously big changes this year, hopefully that will mean I'll be able to write more.

I saw in the new year in London watching the London fireworks. Had I known that it had become a ticketed event, I definitely would have paid the £10 for a better view. Although I still feel it's a little bit naughty to charge for an event like that, I do get the reasoning behind it. Even outside the ticketed area, the vibe was good and people were having a good time.

So how has the first day of the new year been?

Well, I received a message on NYE which gave me hope and I know I went into this year feeling more positive about things than I have for a while. I've also reconnected with family...which was seriously awesome.....but that's a whole other story for another day. 

I'm just determined to enjoy my last few days in London catching up with friends. I can't believe that I'm already going to be leaving on Tuesday - time flies by so fast! I don't even feel like I've had the chance to properly rest and chill out - I always try and see as many people as possible. Hopefully I'll be able to get a bit of down time before heading back to hectic Tokyo.

It's a new year. Fresh start.

Make it a good one!

xoxo