A Big Mistake

Tonight I think I might have made a really big mistake.

No, no, it wasn't a mistake....it just feels like one. Does that even make sense?

I had dinner with my ex.

I don't know why I did it. The worst part is that it was me who suggested it. In a way I wish he would've said no. But he didn't. I think I thought that maybe it would be the last time I see him. He's getting married and moving back to Kyushu and...I dunno...I thought it would be like a final goodbye.

We got on better than ever. It felt like I was just catching up with an old friend. Except it didn't feel like friends - it kinda still felt like we were together. You know when you are just that comfortable with someone? That's what it's like with him. And the crappiest bit is that I know he still cares. I saw everything that I fell in love with and it was so hard just sitting there trying to make myself not care, trying to be angry, fighting against every single feeling that I had. But I just couldn't do it.

He told me about his fiancee. I told him I didn't want to know. But he told me anyway - and I KNOW that he is settling. He's happy....but it's not what we had. He even turned around and told me that if we had met now that we were both older, it would have worked out. He said that he regrets what he did to me and how it ended and that it was all just a real shame. We were too young and selfish back then but we are both so different now.

I could see it as well. We both definitely have grown up...and he's right - I could FEEL that it would've worked if we hooked up now. But he's engaged and now there's no chance of that happening - even if I wanted it to. Which I don't. Maybe.

I dunno, I just feel this massive sense of loss and regret. My heart feels so heavy but I don't have any tears left to shed over it. I accept it but it doesn't mean that it hurts any less. I'm still annoyed that it does hurt. And then I realised...

...I THINK I might still be in love with him.

>_<