It's Long Distance's Fault

The strength has gone.

Now I am just hurting. Really bad.

Seeing the words down on the page. I have lost my boyfriend. It's like it's just hit me.

That's it - he's not here anymore. And I didn't even get to see him.

That is what I hate the most. We have gone through this split. Over the phone.

There was no seeing him for one last time. That really hurts.

Long distance ruins everything. I tried but I feel like a fool for thinking that it would work. Because it never seems to.

You have to work so, so hard. And we did. But long distance inevitably forces change upon people. And those changes are sometimes good, sometimes bad.

I struggled from the beginning. The sense of loss just became stronger and stronger for me. Everyone told me that it would get easier but it never did. Everyday I just seemed to miss him more and more. I would ache to see him.

It went downhill from the moment I left. Feeling myself get more and more unhappy, I tried so hard because I didn't want to lose him. I DON'T want to lose him. I didn't want this to end. Not oin the slightest. I would have done anything for him. But looking at the person I was becoming. I hated it. Constantly worrying and upset. And just feeling so low every single day that I couldn't see him.

I didn't sleep at all last night. I dozed off at maybe 5.30am. I was just lying there - too shocked and sad to cry. Just reliving all our memories. Most of the trips I've been on since I've been here have been with him. He is an amazing travel buddy - because it's so easy to travel with him. Because he can stand up and tell me what he wants to do (only in this area though!!!). There's none of that polite, holding back stuff where people constantly say they don't mind when they really do.

I'm gutted to lose that. So gutted.

The pain that I know I will have to go through is scaring the shit out of me. I don't want to feel it.

I miss him so much already.