I Wish...

...I could do more.

I'm here now and I'm actually feeling guilty about having a good day. I know I need it and I know that I shouldn't be thinking like this, but when I get online and see how sad other people are about now being able to leave, I feel terrible.

It's the best and worst I've felt since last Friday.

My friend came back at lunchtime, I went to see one of the teachers at his school that we used to go drinking with and then I took the car and went for a drive. I hung out for a bit with a friend in Karatsu before going to get an awesome Karatsu burger and heading to Hamasaki beach.

It was freezing, but absolutely beautiful. As I was driving, I pumped the music up, wound down the windows and tried to take as many pictures as I could without crashing! I don't know why it feels so important for me to show you where I used to live, but it does.

Driving around, I was just surrounded by memories which came flooding back as I looked around at the familiar sights. They made me smile and laugh to myself as I remember the good times that I had here. It also made me feel sad when I thought about how many people had come and gone. It's definitely a different place now - but I guess that's just the nature of being a foreigner in Japan.

I went to pick up my friend from school and headed back to his place in Genkai, waited for some friends and then went out to dinner. Back at my friend's house we had a few drinks and it dawned on me as a listened to the conversations (which had taken a really weird turn) just how much people had changed. My mind was wandering and I was thinking about Tokyo, about the plant, about the North, about my friends....I suppressed the tears and try to lose myself in the conversation we were having and empty my mind. But at the end of the day, it's too soon for me. I can't be here and pretend that nothing has happened. It's hard when everything is so normal here, but it's very easy to forget my pain....but when my mind does wander to what's happening at the other end of the country, I feel this horrible pain in my heart....and sick to my stomach.

It really hurts me also to see other people hurting too. I want to do more. I want to help. They are only allowing trained people up to the North to volunteer, but I don't feel like chucking money at the situation is enough. I feel helpless and I don't know what to do.

Every day, I read how more and more people are fleeing. It made me wonder if I was planning on going back to Tokyo too soon. I haven't booked my flight because I want to keep an eye on the situation but I honestly don't feel that Tokyo is in any SERIOUS danger from the radiation right now, so I don't see any need to stay away. It's just when I was there, I found the constant aftershocks so....I dunno...they're just a constant reminder of what's happen and put me on edge.

So many friends who live anywhere near me have gone. I don't wanna go back and be completely alone - I know I'm not, but Tokyo is a big place and to get to a friend's house needs time. And with the trains the way they are right now - well - who knows.

That's the first tear I've shed since I've been here.

xoxo