This Pain Is Too Much For Me To Bear

As I sit here, watching the news and seeing the soul crushing destruction going on up north, there is only one thing I'm thinking.

I am so fucking lucky.

I didn't sleep at all last night because the aftershocks were coming thick and fast. The worst I counted was 6 in the space of 15 minutes. All of them enough to rock my room and make me give up on trying to get to sleep.

I woke up at 10am and started to get ready to go to work. I was absolutely bricking it about getting on the train - I told you that I live on the Oedo line, which is the deepest line in Tokyo, so I was feeling so nervous and picked up the phone a million times to try and cancel my shift. I couldn't do it - I didn't wanna stay in my house by myself, so I figured that it would be better to keep my mind occupied.

Not long before I left, I received a call from my friend's girlfriend. They had gotten engaged exactly one week ago and he had left for Sendai to visit some elementary school friends and celebrate.

He never made it.

His friend's house that he was staying in was completely washed away by the tsunami. His girlfriend who is also a good friend of mine called me in absolute sobbing hysterics to tell me. The news stunned me to the point that I stood still, silent for at least a minute before my legs gave way and I found myself on the floor sobbing and gasping for breath.

I have no idea why I decided to go to work. I just didn't want to stay at home. I guess I never thought that people would show up for an English lesson. The truth is, this whole "back to business" attitude that Japanese people have deeply unsettles me. I took a big arse bottle of water on the train with me today because I was insanely paranoid about getting trapped. If anyone else was remotely worried, then they hid it perfectly because there wasn't a hint of concern on anyone's face. The train and station was dead. Even when I got to Ginza, there was hardly anyone around, but I could find myself breathing easier that I made it.

Being at work was harder than I thought. I did end up teaching a few lessons and the CALMNESS, the COMPLETE LACK OF ANY KIND OF SENSE OF DANGER confused the hell outta me.

Client number 1: "I couldn't get home because the trains stopped, so I decided to go drinking with my coworkers. I was so drunk I couldn't feel the aftershocks anymore so it was OK for me"

Me: "Aren't you still a bit worried?"

Client number 1: "No. We are safe now."

Me: *confused look*

Client number 2: "I was in the office typing a report when the earthquake happened"

Me: "What floor were you on?"

Client number 2: "11th floor"

Me: "OMG! So what did you do? Did you get under the desk, did you put on a hard hat?"

Client number 2: "No, I carried on typing"

Me: "What? So even though you were on the 11th floor, it wasn't shaking and things weren't falling off the shelves?"

Client number 2: "No, things were coming off the shelf and landing on my desk. It was very scary."

Me: "But you carried on typing?"

Client number 2: "Yes, my report was due"

Me: "?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!??! There was a big earthquake but you were more worried about your report? What about your life?"

Client number 2: *laughter*

Me: "Unbelievable"

Client number 3: "This was the worst earthquake that I have ever felt"

Me: "So what did you do? Did you put on a hard hat? Did you evacuate the office?"

Client number 3: "No, we stayed in the office. Some people put on a hard hat but I didn't"

Me: "Why are you so calm about this? I'm really scared."

Client number 3: "We cannot write a complaint to nature. I was very angry but there was nothing we can do. I'm not worried because I don't think that we are in danger now. We are safe."

Me: "I don't feel like it's over."

Client number 3: "I think you are worrying too much"

Me: "I think you're not worried because you haven't been seriously affected by it. I think if you had friends or family in Sendai, then you would feel differently"

Client number 3: I think so too.

I just can't get my head around the complacency of these people! If that epicentre had been off the coast of Chiba, then we wouldn't even be here right now. An earthquake of that magnitude would obliterate Tokyo. And the thing is, it's overdue. We know there was a big earthquake on the way - the question is - was that it?

I started to wonder if I was worrying too much and then the nuclear power plant in Fukushima exploded. No, I am defintiely not worrying to much as the city is put on a precautionary radioactive alert and we were advised to wear masks.

This whole thing is so surreal and crazy. Check out BBC News for devastating pictures of what's happening in the North. The pictures and videos of the destruction are enough to make your stomach churn and to put on even damn heartstring that you have.

i see those pictures and I wonder how much terror my friend must have suffered going through that. I received so many well wishes on Facebook and I want to thank you all enough for caring. I've passed them onto my friend's girlfriend and they overwhelmed her as much as they did me and brought us both to tears.

I've also posted a video on FB that my friend took of the quake as he was wating for a train. The shocking thing for me about it was the fact that even after the train doors opened, not everyone got off! An 8.9 magnitude earthquake and people aren't even getting off the train?!?! Being stuck on the subway like that would scare the hell outta me and they didn't even flinch.

This calmness freaks me out.

Just waiting for the power cut to happen now - it's supposed to be ab attempt by the Prime Minister to conserve energy. Not going to make a difference to me though - I'm emotionally drained and going to bed.

Thanks for all the support guys! We definitely need it over here!

Love you.

xoxo