R. I. P

And it's here.

I've been dreading this day all week.

To be honest, I've been scared of this day. Scared of the way that I would feel on this day. Scared of the pain.

It's been a year since she passed away. And the pain of loss that I feel is so raw. It hasn't got easier. I feel the same as I did one year ago when I found out that she had died.

There hasn't been one day I haven't thought about her. Pictures are on my wall. They are normally the last thing I see before I go to bed and the first thing I see in the morning.

I spoke to him yesterday. He's not doing so good. He has been strong for a year but I hear him giving up. He can't be strong all the time and it's starting to take his toll on him. I begged him to find the strength to carry on just a little bit longer. But he's tired. And he and I both know that he can't keep fighting forever. What I'm feeling is a billionth of the pain he is feeling.

So far, I'm being strong. It was a shock. I think it's because I've felt everything that I thought I would be feeling today every other day this week. The energy has been drained out of me.

I'm alone in my grief here. People that honestly meant something to me have left. That's not to say that no one here now means nothing to me. Getting up and going to school was hard. I just want to stay at home and grieve.

But I can't.

I went home at Christmas and I saw the grave. I wasn't prepared for it. I missed the funeral. And the pain that hit me when I saw the headstone is something that I will never forget. Like someone had just sucked out all the oxygen in my body.

Life does go on. But that doesn't meant that we should forget. I think it's important to take the time to remember. And I remember everyday.

I still can't believe she's gone. The sadness inside me as I write this is welling up. But I can't let the tears roll down my face.....only because I have to go school in 10 mins and puffy eyes leads to questions which I don't want to answer.

Later. Later they will come. And they won't stop.

But for now....

R.I.P

I miss you.

I love you.

xxx